126. The Real Flex in Midlife? Being Able to Say, “I’m Good” and Mean It

In This Episode: midlife burnout, high-achieving women, self-worth, chasing success, how to feel fulfilled, midlife contentment

Episode Summary

You know that feeling after you’ve finished something big—landed the promotion, crossed the finish line, or completed a huge goal—and almost instantly your brain goes: “What’s next?”

For decades, that was Laurie Reynoldson’s default. Achieve something. Celebrate for a hot minute. Then immediately start chasing the next bigger, harder, shinier thing.

But in this episode of The School of Midlife podcast, Laurie shares what happened after she finished the 29029 TRAIL Challenge—and didn’t feel the need to do that for the first time. Instead, she felt grounded. Relaxed. Proud. Content.

She explains why high-achieving women get stuck in the “What’s Next?” loop, why it never works, and how you can finally break free.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• The real reason we keep chasing the next thing (and why it’s never enough)
• How ambition can become avoidance
• Why no amount of gold stars or blue ribbons will fill the void
• The three simple steps Laurie uses to break the “What’s Next?” cycle
• How to start feeling good about your life now—not someday

Big Takeaway

“The most powerful flex in midlife isn’t how much you can do.
 It’s being able to say: I’m good.
 I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
 I like where I am.”

Resources & Links

• Listen to Part 1 and Part 2 of Laurie’s 29029 TRAIL Challenge recap:
  • Ep. 125: The Mountain That Changed Me: A Midlife Woman's 3-Day Trail Challenge | Part 1 of the 29029 TRAIL Challenge
  • Ep. 124: You Didn't Come This Far to Only Come This Far: Lessons From the Final Climb | Part 2 of the 29029 TRAIL Challenge
• Grap your spot at the Best Life Retreat in Sun Valley, Idaho

Share This Episode

Know a friend who is always chasing the next big thing? Share this episode with her. It just might help her step off the hamster wheel.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] You know that moment right after you finish something big, you've hit the goal, you've crossed the finish line, you've landed the big promotion, and almost immediately your brain goes to, okay, what's next? That used to be my default until pretty recently, and for the first time maybe ever, I realize that I'm at a point where I am not chasing the next big thing.

I feel grounded and relaxed and completely content with where I am right now. So in today's episode of the School of Midlife podcast, we're talking about what it looks like when you finally break the cycle of proving and pushing and performing, and you start living in a way where, what's next? That doesn't run your life anymore.

Let's dive into it.

Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson.

This is the podcast for [00:01:00] the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life. 

Well, hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of The School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson, and I am excited to be here with you today. If you are watching the video, then yep. You can see that as a 53-year-old woman, I do have a pimple on my chin. Uh, you wouldn't, probably five or 10 minutes ago you wouldn't have even been able to see it, but because I almost never breakout anymore, and I did have a facial last week, [00:02:00] but, um, I decided to, you know, pinch this pimple as much as I could. So now it's kind of red and swollen and pimply. So there you go. For those of you who don't watch the video, I mean, if that isn't a promotion, a teaser for you to start, God, I don't know what is, but.

Anyway, today we are two weeks post the 29 0 2 9 TRAIL Challenge. If you are showing up today, looking for part two of the recap of the TRAIL challenge, I actually dropped that last week. I've heard from a couple of you that you were waiting for part two this week, but I actually dropped parts one and two last week so you can hear the entire journey from start to finish on day three. That, that, that dropped last week. I will go ahead and put a clickable link in the show notes here so that you can make sure [00:03:00] that you have caught up on both episodes. Um, but yeah, if you were thinking you were coming back today to get episode two, well that ship sailed last week, so you can already listen to episode two and, um, it's the lessons, it's day three. It's what I learned, you know, kind of looking back. So it, it's definitely a good one. It's definitely worth a listen.

Um, when it came time to record this episode of the podcast, and maybe it's because there were so much adrenaline around the TRAIL challenge, I just really started thinking about like what should be the next big topic that we talk about? Because there was a lot of momentum and adrenaline, a little bit of anxiety leading up to the TRAIL challenge. And then it happened and I did the recap. And so it was kind of like, okay, what's next? What's the next big thing that we should talk about?

And it occurred to me [00:04:00] that that is a way that I have been living my life, Pretty much for the last five decades. Which is do something big and then immediately look at what's next. And when I was thinking about that, it also occurred to me that for the first time, maybe ever, I'm not in that position.

TRAIL challenge wrapped up two weeks ago. And I feel really settled. I feel really grounded. I don't feel like I need to jump right back into something big or something new.

This past weekend was great. We had people over for dinner. We went to the Shakespeare Festival. On Sunday, I laid in the sun by the pool, read a [00:05:00] book. So very normal summer weekend things that I haven't done in six months because I've been training. And if I really think about it, having people for dinner, going to the Shakespeare Festival, lying in the sun, reading a book on the weekend, those are things that I would have normally done after I had completed whatever work it was I was working on. Whether that was a big workout, whether that was actual work projects, because I've always had this feeling that somehow my worthiness was tied to what I was doing.

And that created this cycle that we're gonna get into a little bit that, that maybe you can relate to, which is if you're not producing or performing or moving or doing something, then something's wrong with you or you should feel guilty about it, or [00:06:00] like, why do you have all that free time? That just seemed odd to me. And I'm, I'm thrilled to say that I'm finally in a position. It's taken me a while to get here, but I don't feel that way. I, I am really enjoying where I'm at.

And as I think about this and as I think about this episode, I feel like that there's this kind of automatic knee jerk question that high achieving women ask themselves all the time. Almost always after we cross the finish line on anything big.

And that question is what is next?

And because I am having a different experience this time, I wanna talk about what happens when that question, the question of what's next or what do I do now? Or whatever form of that question that comes up for you, What do you do when that [00:07:00] isn't a question in your mind anymore? When you can finally finish something and not feel the need to immediately fill the void with another thing, another project, another mountain to climb.

And I'll tell you, it, it has really been a different way of living and honestly it feels pretty, pretty damn good. So let's get into it.

Let me give you some context though before we start. Here's how it used to go for me. And I'm guessing some of it, if not all of it, will probably sound familiar to you too. I would set a big goal. I would work my ass off to achieve it. I would finally achieve the goal, whether that was the TRAIL challenge or a promotion or a new career, whatever the next big thing that I was working on, I would do that. So I could cross it off [00:08:00] my list, of course, and I would celebrate for maybe a hot second. And then, then I would realize that it was kind of a letdown, honestly.

That the moment or the feeling that I expected after doing the thing, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling or satisfying as I thought it would be. I mean, no one else was cheering loudly or applauding or giving me the approval and attention that I felt like if I did the thing, then they would recognize me. I would finally feel worthy or accepted or like I belonged.

And when I didn't feel that way, what did I do? Immediately set my sights on the next big thing. Immediately.

Because that let down, well, anytime you [00:09:00] are working towards something big, whether that is you're moving cities or you're changing jobs, or you're trying to earn a promotion, whatever it is that you are working towards, let's be honest. All of the energy and the satisfaction? That is in the anticipation leading up to the big thing that is in the work and the journey leading up to the big thing. So once you get to the big thing, whatever that is, of course it makes sense that there could potentially be some, let down. Some feeling of, wow, that's it. This is it? I've worked my ass off for this?

And when we feel that way, it is almost ingrained in us, conditioned in us. It's how [00:10:00] we were raised to say, okay, well if that isn't making me feel the way that I thought I would feel, I'm just going to move on to something bigger, something higher, something harder, and then I would repeat the same cycle all over again.

State the big thing, work my ass off to achieve it, achieve it, celebrate for a hot second, and then realize that I didn't feel the way that I thought I would feel once I got there. So then I would just state a higher goal. Bigger, harder, higher. Always what's next? Always. What now? Always. How can I prove myself more than I already have?

Does any of this sound familiar, or am I the only freak on this hamster wheel of high achievement? I don't think so. I think so many of us are accustomed and trained and conditioned to do more, push harder, prove ourselves [00:11:00] over and over again, and we call that ambition.

And after five decades of doing that, what I have finally learned is that isn't ambition at all. It's avoidance. What do I mean by avoidance? I mean that there is something inside of us, something that our inner child needs, something that we were raised to push aside, to not feel those feelings. There's something inside of us that we are looking to fill.

And because of the way we were raised and because of the way that we earned attention when we were younger, which was performing or getting good grades or earning the gold star or the blue ribbon, we feel that as we have aged into adults, that is exactly the same way that we're [00:12:00] going to hopefully feel like we're enough or that we're worthy, or that we are worth the time and attention. Like someone take notice of us. Look at all of the incredible things that we have done. And when they don't, then we think that we just have to try harder. We have to do more. If what I just did isn't enough, watch me do something even bigger and better.

So we get caught in this loop of always trying to do more than we did before. And there are a couple of reasons that this happens. FOMO is one. We don't wanna be caught standing on the sideline watching everyone else do something big and us feeling like we're not good enough. We couldn't do that. They can only do that because they're better than I am. So we have this fear of missing out.

Couple that with a, the shiny object syndrome [00:13:00] of well, that's new and novel. And the truth is there will always be a bigger mountain. Someone will always be doing something more than we are, but and here's a big, but we have no idea where they started. We have no idea what gifts or talents they have. We have no idea how long they have been trying to climb that mountain or do the thing. I mean, even though it's new to us, when we start comparing ourselves to them, it's a really unfair fight because we have no idea where they started from.

So comparison, fomo, shiny object that's on the one hand. On the other hand, is this idea that we have been taught either explicitly, but probably more implicitly, we've been taught that our worth is tied to what we produce, what we can do for others, how we [00:14:00] show up at work.

Which leads us to believe that the next promotion, the next race, the next achievement, that's a cherry on top. That's the carrot that we're chasing. After we achieve that next promotion, after we win the next race or complete the next achievement, then we'll feel like we're enough.

But here's the truth, the feelings that we are chasing to fill that void inside of us. We're chasing worth and fulfillment and satisfaction, and probably happiness. All of those are an inside job, which means as long as we keep looking outside ourselves for that worthiness and fulfillment, and satisfaction and happiness, we will never find them. Never find them.

Let me ask you something. When was the [00:15:00] last time you stepped away from your life to actually focus on your life? No emails, no group texts, no one asking, what's for dinner? Just space. Just time for you.

If one day sounds like a dream, imagine what an entire weekend could do. 

I am inviting you to join me for the next Best Life Retreat in breathtaking Sun Valley, Idaho, a luxurious, intimate escape, designed specifically for midlife women like you .

We will spend the weekend diving into powerful group coaching sessions that help you reconnect with who you are, what you want, and what your best life looks like right now. And between those breakthroughs, you'll enjoy sunrise hikes, spa treatments, gourmet meals, curated cocktails, and the best gift bag you've ever seen.

This isn't a vacation, it is a turning point. One woman has even described the weekend as: that retreat changed my life. Space is [00:16:00] limited to just eight women, and when the spots are gone, they're gone. So if you're craving some space, clarity, connection, and maybe even a little magic, click the link in the show notes and grab your seat right now. And I'll see you in Sun Valley .

And as I'm sure you have experienced, because I certainly have this constant need that we have to prove ourselves, it's exhausting. And it's also unsustainable. Because when is enough finally enough? If we are searching for worthiness and fulfillment and satisfaction and happiness outside of ourselves, believing that we have to perform to be enough, believing that we need to take on the next big thing so everyone will continue to clap for us and applaud for us, and approve of what we're doing and show us the recognition we have so desperately been craving. When we put that outside of ourselves, [00:17:00] we will figure out that there is never a point in which we can stop performing. We have to keep doing it because in our mind, we've told ourselves that's the reason that I'm worthy. That's the reason that I'm worthy of approval or love or belonging, all the things, which isn't true at all.

We create our sense of fulfillment. We create our sense of satisfaction. We create our sense of happiness just by being. We don't have to prove anything. I mean, decades of doing the same, high achieving, constant cycling of what's next, something bigger, something better.

If that were in fact the way that we would be able to fill that void inside of us, we would already have those feelings already. We, [00:18:00] we would already be feeling that way, wouldn't we? Because we're no strangers to hard work. We are roll up our sleeves, kind of women to get things done.

If the antidote to feeling unworthy, or unfulfilled, or unsatisfied or unhappy were just to work harder or achieve the next big thing, we would've already done that. Right. Makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, if that's what we have been doing, that's the cycle we've been living for decades. If that were actually the secret, if that was actually the thing that we needed, we would already have it now.

But we don't, which means this whole idea that chasing the next shiny object or this FOMO that we feel, or this comparison game that we are constantly engaged in, here is the natural result of playing this. What's next? [00:19:00] game.

One, we will never enjoy what we've accomplished. Because we will always believe that there is something bigger and better out there for us. That we can't be happy where we are right now, but oh, we will be happy after the next thing.

But we, we know that that's a lie, right? So if we keep playing this game of what's next, then we will never enjoy what we've accomplished, where we are right now.

And we're gonna burn ourself out, Chasing things that don't fix the real problem because we just keep adding more to our to-do list. We just keep believing that we have to do more, be more, show up in a different way, to finally feel like we're successful or that we're enough. And the real problem here is we'll miss the whole damn point of why it was what we started in [00:20:00] the beginning.

 Bottom line. This pattern, this pattern of overwork and doing more it, it will never give us the life that we want. It will never give you the life that you want. It will literally just burn you out. It'll make you feel exhausted because you'll be overworked, right? You know that. You understand how that happens.

So much of this has been bubbling up for me over the last two weeks because as you know, I just finished an insane physical challenge. Three mountain marathons in three days, and. Um, as I mentioned on the last couple of episodes, it was hard. Physically hard, emotionally hard, spiritually hard, all the hards.

But here's what surprised me the most was when it was over, I didn't have that old familiar urge to ask myself, okay, what now? What's next? [00:21:00] I didn't immediately start Googling the next endurance event or mapping out the next big work milestone I was gonna pour all that extra time into.

Maybe for the first time ever I completing something so big, I didn't do anything. Weird, right? Because I felt content. Talk about a, an emotion that I, I don't feel like I usually like to sit in. I mean, certainly not for any extended period of time, but I'm content. I feel grounded. I'm relaxed. I'm proud of what I did, and I can see where I started in the training, how far I came. I finished the event and honestly, it's enough.[00:22:00] 

I don't feel like I have to prove a damn thing to anyone. And, and, and this is such, this is gonna sound ridiculous, but it is such a foreign feeling for me. Because I have always been, What's next? Okay, I did that. That's great. Uh, I, I mean, people seem to be impressed by it, but God, I still don't really feel like I've arrived sort of a thing.

And, and don't get me wrong, I am super proud of that accomplishment. I'm super proud of so many of my accomplishments, but I am also self-aware enough to know that how I feel right now, is a much different experience than how I have felt after every single event I've done, promotion I've received achievement, award accolade. I just feel different.

And I know that this feeling didn't just happen by accident. [00:23:00] It is the result of years, years of doing the work. Of figuring out what I want in this season of life, what's important to me right now, what my best life looks like, and practicing living that way every single day.

And I know that those three things sound very simple. Those are the three simple principles that everything we do at the School of Midlife is based on. Because if you don't know what you want, you're just gonna keep that cycle going. You're just gonna keep looking for the next big thing. What's next? What do I do now?

If you don't know what's important to you in this season of life, what success means to you, you're just going to try bigger, harder, higher tasks, thinking that you will finally feel fulfilled once you [00:24:00] complete them.

If you don't know what your best life looks like, you're just going to keep adding more to your to-do list. You're gonna keep chasing the shiny objects. You're gonna keep giving into the FOMO. With the feeling that, okay, well I will finally feel happy, fulfilled, satisfied, worthy after the next thing. But we know that that's not true.

So when we can get those three things down, then it's so much simpler to enjoy being where we are. That doesn't mean that you don't have to maybe make some big changes in your life. I mean, maybe you gotta leave your job. Maybe you need to change a career. Maybe you need to end a relationship. Maybe you need to move to a different city. Maybe you need to set and hold some healthy boundaries in some relationships that you're in.

It doesn't mean that it's easy, but once you have this recognition and acknowledgement and understanding of what's important to you, then you stop chasing the [00:25:00] next thing. You can enjoy where you are. You can be happy here. Happy now. Not happy someday. Happy now.

And for me, that is exactly how I know that I'm in the right place right now. It didn't, it didn't happen overnight. It, it's, it's come from doing a lot of work. And the work is hard, but that, that's exactly why I have devoted so much time developing the curriculum at the School of Midlife, whether that's in our group coaching, whether that's individual coaching, whether that's at our retreats because once you have a scientifically backed, results proven curriculum, a, a set of exercises and meditations and tools that you can employ, [00:26:00] then there is nothing standing between you and your best life. I know we talk a lot about it here about the School of Midlife and making midlife and beyond your very best life, But it is actually a thing. If you are able to find the approval and the worthiness and the feelings that you want to feel inside of you instead of looking outside for all of that acceptance and worthiness and approval and everything else, all the other feelings that you're chasing, And across the board for high achieving midlife women, it's happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction. Not necessarily in that order, but that's, that's at, at the root of it. That's what we're all chasing. If you are able to find the approval and the worthiness and the feelings that you want to feel inside of you, then you can truly live your best life.

Let's talk about how do we break out of the [00:27:00] what's next loop. Let's start with three easy steps. Number one, take a beat. Let's pause. When you finish something big, resist the urge to sign up for the next thing right away. There needs to be some meaningful celebration, and celebration means something different to everyone. You don't have to go buy yourself a new handbag if a new handbag isn't your thing. You don't have to go buy yourself anything new. It could be that you decide to take a day off by yourself and go for a walk, read a book, do absolutely nothing that anyone else would think was a productive use of your time. You need to figure out how to celebrate. Enjoy the time between what you just finished and what you're gonna work on next. [00:28:00] So step one is. Pause. Resist the urge to sign up for the next thing to start chasing the next goal, the next dream, the next achievement. Take a beat.

Number two, I want you to ask yourself, what was I hoping this accomplishment would make me feel? So this, this is probably gonna be a bit of a journaling exercise for most of us. If you are someone who thinks better by just speaking into your phone in the voice notes, take out your phone, Start just rambling into your phone. For those of you who enjoy paper, and pen more, take out your Best Life Planner. Go to the back where the notes are. Write down the answer to this question. What was I hoping this accomplishment would make me feel?

And then number three. How can you give yourself those feelings right now? Without needing another [00:29:00] external achievement? Another gold star, another blue ribbon. The next promotion. How can you feel the things that you had hoped you would feel once you accomplished the thing you just finished? How can you feel those right now?

And if for some reason you've convinced yourself that there's no way for you to feel that way right now, then the follow up question would be, why not? What do I feel is missing? What do I think is missing? Why can't I feel the way I expected to feel right now? Why don't I have, why can't I have those emotions today? Right now where I sit.

To wrap up this episode, I want you to try something a little radical this week because not all of us are working on something big or groundbreaking. You know, we're not chasing something big this week, so we're gonna start [00:30:00] small. But the next time you feel like you need to chase something different, Even if all you're doing is sitting on the couch on a Sunday reading a book, and you feel like you feel this need to ask yourself what's next? What do, what do I do now? You feel this need to move. You feel a need to be doing something than you're doing in that moment? And again, it can be super small. Instead of asking yourself what's next, try asking yourself what is right now? It's, it's a very subtle difference. Can you sit in the moment? Can you enjoy the moment without immediately moving into action?

Or if you're butting up against achieving whatever we're talking about this week, can you enjoy it without moving the goal post and feeling like you have to even do more than you've already done?

Because [00:31:00] what I'll tell you is the most powerful flex in midlife isn't how much you can do. It's being able to say, I'm good. I don't need to prove anything to anyone anymore. I like where I am. I like who I am. That's the goal. To be able to say, I like who I am. I like where I am.

I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore. I'm good. That's goal and it's 100% available to you if you want it.

I'm curious: what's bubbling up for you right now? Because for most of your life, you've probably been taught that you need to stay in motion. You have to constantly be looking at the next prize, the next rung on the [00:32:00] corporate ladder, The next thing you have to do on the to-do list. And this whole idea that you can just be content right now, you can just be good. Right now.

I'm curious what's coming up for you? Because for most high achieving women, this feels a little foreign because it's not how we have lived our life up until now. We have always been in motion. The idea of resting makes us super anxious, like we're, we're dropping the ball or we're letting people down, or we suffer through a little bit of FOMO, but just being is so tough for high achieving midlife women.

So will you just reach out, share with me what's going on? What you think about, about this? I'm super curious. And if you listen to this episode and you can think of a friend or two who is always chasing the next big thing, maybe you do [00:33:00] me a favor and her a favor and share this episode with her.

If you are ready to take the next step, to figure out what you want in life, what means the most to you in this season of life and what your best life looks like, reach out to me. Send me an email, reach out to me on Instagram. Let's figure out if group coaching or individual coaching, or even the Best Life Retreat is a good fit for you. I'd love the chance to talk to you because this work means so much, and I would love it if everyone in this community could get to the point and say, I don't have to achieve one more thing. If, if I don't do one more thing or check one more thing off my to-do list, I'm good. That's my hope for midlife women everywhere that we can get to that feeling of contentment, that feeling of being settled. I'm good.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The School of Midlife podcast. I will see you right back [00:34:00] here next week when the School of Midlife is is back in session. And until then, take good care.

 Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife podcast. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. 

So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care.