118. Are You in Midlife? If You're Asking Big Questions, You Already Are

🎙️ Episode Summary

What even is midlife?

Is it a number? A demographic? A hormone crash? A slow fade into irrelevance? (Hard no on that last one.) In this episode, we’re digging into the truth about what midlife really is—and spoiler: it’s not what you’ve been told.

Laurie breaks down:

• Why midlife technically starts in your late 30s (yep, really!)
• Why it’s more about mindset than math
• And how midlife can actually be your most powerful season—if you’re brave enough to claim it.

You’ll also hear:

• A jaw-dropping Brené Brown quote that will stay with you for years
• Why the stereotypes about midlife women are total garbage
• Why the “someday” strategy is keeping you stuck
• And how to start making midlife your best life, not your “less than” life.

This episode isn’t just about defining midlife. It’s about redefining yourself.

What You’ll Learn

• Why midlife can start as early as 39—and last for decades
• The key internal questions that mark the start of midlife (not your age)
• How society’s stereotypes have robbed women of midlife power
• Why midlife is the start of something, not the end
• Three critical questions to ask if you’re ready to stop tolerating your life and start transforming it

Journal Prompts From This Episode

• What do you think about the term “midlife”?
• Do you believe you’re in midlife? Why or why not?
• How do you feel about that?

Because how you experience midlife starts with what you believe about it.

Links + Resources

• Want 1:1 support during your midlife reinvention? Get on the VIP interest list! DM the word “MIDLIFE” to @schoolofmidlife on Instagram, or email Laurie here to learn about The Gap Year

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Transcript

[00:00:00] In this week's episode of the School of Midlife podcast, I am talking all about a question I receive all the time, and that is what is midlife? I'm defining it for you. I'm giving you some things to think about, and we are talking all things about what is midlife, so stay tuned.

Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson.

This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life. 

 Hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of The School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, [00:01:00] Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney, current coach to high achieving midlife women and the founder of the School of Midlife. I am thrilled to have you here today. I'm just gonna start by saying that around here, we believe something pretty radical, that midlife isn't a crisis.

It's this invitation you didn't know you'd been waiting for. And today we're diving into a big question, which is. What even is midlife? It's a question I get all the time. And I'm telling you lately, I have seen a bunch of women take to social media and say things like, do not call me midlife. They're in their forties and their fifties.

So squarely in the midlife demographic and they resent the label. They hate being called midlife. And on the one hand I get it because for years, [00:02:00] midlife has been code for over the hill, invisible, washed up past your prime. But on the other hand, I'm here to flip that narrative because the truth is midlife.

Midlife is where it gets good if you let it.

Let's start by talking about some numbers. Numbers don't lie, right? So let's talk about some stats and start with some facts. Wow, that's nearly rhymed anyway. The average life expectancy for women in the US is drumroll, please. 78.8 years. So technically midlife, if you divide 78.8 years and half midlife begins in your late thirties. Surprise, right?

That's, that's earlier than most of us thought. But midlife is thirties, forties. It doesn't start at 50. It doesn't start in your [00:03:00] fifties. It doesn't start after menopause. Midlife statistically kicks off around. 39, early forties, and yet how many of us actually feel like we're middle aged in our thirties?

Exactly. None of us do. Absolutely zero of us do. That's because what we call midlife today in society, it just, it's, it's not about math. I have been saying this for years. Your age doesn't matter. Midlife is about what's happening inside and out. We're, we're gonna dive way deeper into that in next week's episode.

I'm so fired up about that episode that I almost wanted to release two episodes this week. But trust me, you'll definitely wanna hear next week's episode about why you just don't feel like yourself anymore in midlife. And it's way more than just the physical stuff. It is way more than just the hot flashes and the weight gain and the [00:04:00] brain fog and the menopause.

It, it's way more than that. So do yourself a favor right now and press that follow button on the podcast so that you don't miss next week's episode. It's, it's that good, I'm telling you. So you don't wanna miss it. You don't wanna miss any future episodes for that matter. So make sure you're following the podcast.

Just click that little follow button on the top right hand corner.

But getting back to today, midlife. Midlife is about momentum. It's about the questions we start asking and this internal shift that we feel bubbling up, whether we feel it at 42. Or 52. Or 62. So if midlife technically begins in your late thirties, then why don't we start making midlife shifts in our thirties?

Good question. Right? Why do we keep waiting to embrace this sweet spot of life? I think there are a couple of reasons. In my work [00:05:00] coaching, high achieving midlife women, I've had the privilege of working with hundreds of midlife women, and I'm telling you, I've seen this time and time again.

The truth is midlife isn't about your age or any other numbers for that matter. It's about your mindset. It starts when you finally begin asking some big soul deep questions like, who am I now? What do I want next? Is this it? What's my legacy beyond my work and my family? Those are big questions. Right?

Are, are any of those keeping you away in the middle of the night? Probably. Because it's universal. We get to the point, and it's usually in midlife when we start to realize that we have way fewer years ahead of us than we've already lived. And so not only are we asking these existential [00:06:00] questions about our life, but then we also start feeling like we are running out of time.

Like we have to cram everything in and we've gotta do as much as we can with the time that we have left. And not to be morbid or anything, but that's just simply what happens is we start looking at how many years might be ahead of us and there are way fewer than there were that we've already lived.

And when we realize that we don't have as many years left as we hoped or thought, or, and, and frankly, none of us know how many years we have left, but we just know that we've lived a lot of life and it looks like we're maybe on the downhill slide there, but that's when we start asking those existential questions about ourselves and our lives.

And here's what's most interesting. For most of us, it's the first time ever in our lives that we've really taken the time to, one, ask the questions and then two, get quiet enough to drown out the noise [00:07:00] around us and really listen to our answers. Do you know what I'm talking about? I bet you do. I mean, it's all, this whole thing about

trusting your gut and intuition and listening to that voice inside of you instead of listening to all the voices that are around you all day every day, trying to tell you what to do and what's right, and what to go and where to be. All the things. So you've gotta start asking yourself the question, and then you have to allow some space and some quietness to actually listen to the answers.

And here's the part that blows most people's minds. Midlife can last for decades. If you are still learning and growing and curious, and you're still saying yes to yourself regardless of how old you are, how many decades after technical midlife you've been, you are squarely a midlife.[00:08:00] 

Here's why I say that. Brene Brown has written extensively about midlife. You're probably familiar with her definition of midlife because it's been all over social media. She wrote, and, and I love this and I will try my best not to get choked up because it, it's so powerful and so moving that every time I read it, it's all I can do to like choke back the, the emotion behind it.

But Brene Brown wrote:

midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders. Pulls you close and whispers in your ear: I'm not fucking around all of this. Pretending and performing these coping mechanisms that you've developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt, that has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts.

I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure [00:09:00] all the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you're still searching and you're more lost than ever. Time is growing short, there are unexplored adventures ahead of you.

You can't live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You are made to live and love with your whole heart. It's time to show up and be seen.

It's pretty powerful, right? That's just part of her writing on what she calls the "Midlife Unraveling".

So even if you've heard that before, you may not be familiar with another part of the essay that talks about how long midlife lasts. She writes,

I don't think midlife is on a schedule. I was 41 when it hit, but I have friends and I've interviewed people who found themselves smack dab in the [00:10:00] middle of the unraveling as early as their mid thirties and as late as their fifties.

The only firm timing for midlife. Is that it ends only when we physically die. This is not something you can treat then dismiss. The search for self-love and acceptance is like most of the new ailments that hit at midlife. It's a chronic condition. It may start in midlife, but we have to deal with it for the rest of our lives.

What do you think about that? If we do midlife right, we'll be doing it. The, the questioning, the soul searching, the showing up for ourselves until we die. Because midlife isn't just a middle. It's a brand new mindset for the entire second half of our life and that second half of our life that starts

once we start having these big existential questions. It starts [00:11:00] when we have a decision that we are going to continue to keep evolving and learning. So it doesn't matter if you're asking these questions at 34 or if you're 66 and you're just now getting clear on what it is you really want.

Both are midlife, all are midlife. Whatever age you are, if you are asking these questions. For the first time ever, maybe, but you're starting to ask big questions. That's when midlife starts.

If that's the case, then it begs the question, why are so many women so eager to ditch the midlife label in the first place?

I think it's because we've been taught that midlife means decline. Think about the stereotypes of midlife women, and, and this is different than it is for men. Just think about the way we talk about men in midlife. They're distinguished. They're silver [00:12:00] foxes. He's the most interesting man in the world, right?

So gray hair, getting older. It's good for men. The stereotypes of middle aged women, totally different. Washed up. Invisible dry in every place and .In every way possible. Right? No longer interesting or desirable. She's just waiting for the grandkids, for the retirement party, right? Because I'm, I'm sure that it won't surprise you that I'm calling bullshit on all of that. Because today's midlife woman, she's running marathons, she's launching businesses, taking sabbaticals, starting over, starting better.

Lifting heavier, laughing louder, refusing to apologize for any of it. Can I get an amen on a Tuesday?

I think it's safe to say that in midlife, we're not in decline. We're in our damn prime. Geez. What is it with all this rhyming [00:13:00] today? So the problem isn't with the term midlife. The problem is with the tired ass narrative that comes with it.

Here's what I believe. Midlife isn't the middle of your life. It's the beginning of the part of your life where you actually start living it your way. Confucius said, "we have two lives and the second one begins when we realize we only have one." Let that sink in. "We have two lives, and the second one begins when we realize we only have one."

He wasn't talking about midlife, but he might as well have been because for so many of us, our first few decades of adulthood were about checking boxes. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, get a mortgage, you know, have some kids raise them up, earn the promotions. We did the things.

We [00:14:00] did them all. We chased the gold stars. We earned the accolades, we earned the promotions, we built the resume. We kept all the plates spinning.

And when we weren't checking boxes, we were busy people pleasing and making lives for others around us, more comfortable at the expense of our own comfort.

Oof, right? That, does this sound familiar? I'm sure it does, because we've all done it. And then somewhere along the way, at some point we started wondering what, if this isn't it? What, what if there might be something else out there for me? What if I want something a little different? And that's the moment, that moment right there

when the script stops working, and you finally realize that this isn't a crisis, this whole midlife thing, not a crisis. All of everything everyone has always told us about midlife being a crisis, that's just a [00:15:00] bag of goods they're trying to sell us. It's not a crisis. It's a clearing. It's an opportunity.

It's the moment you stop performing and start becoming. And coincidentally, or maybe not coincidentally at all, but this usually happens in midlife. It's when you realize I've lived my life for everyone else. And now it's my turn.

At the School of Midlife, we believe midlife is the time to get radically clear on three things.

And if you are a longtime listener, you've heard these things before, but they bear repeating. Those three things are one, what do I want? And that's what do you actually want? Not what you've been conditioned to want, not what you were raised to want, not what your parents told you to want, but you.

What do you actually want?

Number two, how do you define success? What does success mean to you? Because in our society, we [00:16:00] tie success to accolades and promotions. and achievement and our job title and our paycheck, is that what feels, is that what success feels like to you right now? Probably not. So if it, if that's not what it feels like, then how do you define success?

And number three, what does your best life look like? We talk a lot about making midlife your best life and living your best life.

But if you could be living your best life right now, do you even know what that looks like? I'm not talking about a life that looks good on paper. I'm not talking about a life that sounds good or looks good to other people, but one that feels authentic and intentional and it feels good to you in your bones, your best life.

What does that look like?

If you don't answer those three questions, what do you want? What is, how do you define success? What does your best life look like? You know what happens if you don't know how to answer those [00:17:00] questions? You keep living the same year over and over again. You keep waiting, waiting for the kids to leave, waiting for the promotion, for the divorce, for the retirement, for some day.

And I've said it before, and I'll say it again, that someday is not a life strategy.

So if the word, if the, if the adjective midlife makes you cringe a little, I get it. But what if we reclaim it? What if midlife isn't a downgrade but an upgrade? What if it means you've got the wisdom and the confidence and the boundaries now?

What if It means you care more for yourself and less about what other people think. What if midlife means you are finally brave enough to want more? What if midlife means you've earned the right to take up space? [00:18:00] What if midlife means this is the season where I finally become the woman I was always meant to be?

Doesn't that sound better?

For me, I 100% believe that midlife should mean all of those things. Because that's what I see happening every day with the women I work with. And honestly, I wouldn't trade it for anything. And neither would they. And they sure as hell aren't resenting the midlife decisions. They're making sure they, they may sometimes wish they'd taken more decisive action earlier, but you know what?

Most of the time, we need all of the life experience behind us to appreciate what's ahead of us. It takes as much time as it takes. There's no timeline, which means you're not too late. So long as you get to the point when you are asking the big life questions and you notice the turning point,. You embrace the opportunity. You [00:19:00] celebrate the mid lifeness of midlife and use it as a springboard.

It's the springboard you can use to create something really spectacular in your second half of life. And yes, I realize I just used the word midlife and uh, I'm sure that's not a word, but you know what I'm talking about when I talk about celebrating the midlife of midlife. If you are listening to this episode and thinking, hell yes, I want all of that, then I want you to know you don't have to figure this out on your own.

I've been there. When I was there, there were no communities of similarly situated women. There were no guidebooks. There were no how-to manuals for midlife, which is exactly why I created The Gap Year. The School of Midlife signature coaching program for women who are ready to stop tolerating their life and start transforming it.

It's coming back very soon and for the first time ever, I'm offering a full [00:20:00] one-on-one coaching track, so that is very exciting. If you want to know more, DM me the word midlife on Instagram or email me at the link in the show notes. And I'll make sure you are the first to hear the details when they're available.

Before I go today though, I wanna leave you with a few questions to sit with this week. Maybe even journal on if you're someone who thinks about that, but at least spend some time thinking about them. Those questions are:

what do you think about the term midlife?

Do you believe you're in midlife? Why? Why or why not?

And most importantly, how do you feel about that? How do you feel about the term midlife? How do you feel about being a midlife woman? How do you feel about that?

Does it make you squirm? Does it make you feel dismissed or invisible, or are you ready to reclaim it as something powerful, [00:21:00] purposeful, and full of possibility?

Here's the truth my friend. Midlife isn't a label to fear or resent. It's a powerful season to claim and how you experience it starts with what you believe about it. Let me say that again. How you experience your midlife starts with what you believe about midlife.

So think about that for the next week.

Spend some time answering those questions for yourself. What do you think about the term midlife? Do you believe you're in midlife? Why or why not? And most importantly, how do you feel about that?

Take all the time you need this week. Spend some time getting really quiet, asking yourself those questions and listening for your answer.

Be brutally honest with yourself because that's where this work begins. It starts with your intuition, your truth.

If this episode made you [00:22:00] think or helped you breathe a little easier, send it to a friend. Share it with someone who's ready to stop tolerating midlife and start becoming the badass midlife woman that she knows she can be. And when you share an episode, it helps us out so much because the mission for the School of Midlife is to give midlife women the tools,

and the information and the support they need to make midlife and beyond their very best life. And we simply could not do it without you. So thank you so much for being here. But please, please share this episode with a friend or two or as many as you can think of who ready to embrace the midlife using it again.

The midlife of midlife. 'cause we know it can be the best. Wait midlife. It can be literally your best life if you make it.

With that, I will sign up for today and I'll see you back here next week when the School of Midlife is [00:23:00] back in session, When we dive into the real reason you don't feel like yourself in midlife.

Until then, take good care and maybe go reclaim your midlife crown while you're at it. Have a great week. I'll see you back here real soon.

 Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife podcast. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. 

So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for [00:24:00] listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care.