92. The One Question to Ask Yourself to Avoid Feeling Overwhelmed by All of the Holiday "To Do's"

It is easy to get a little lost amidst the holiday hustle and bustle. There is a seemingly unending list of "to do's" to be completed before the end of the year, both work-related and those related to the holiday season.

In this episode, Laurie offers up one question that will help you avoid holiday overwhelm: is it an obligation or an opportunity? With that simple test in mind, you'll learn how to stop doing things this season that no longer bring you joy, and you'll know how to mindfully create holiday traditions that honor your personal boundaries.

If you're doing things this season solely because of a sense of obligation, Laurie gives you permission to take it off of your "to do" list. As Laurie reminds you, "your personal happiness, peace, fulfillment and joy around the holidays are just as important as everyone else's."

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Transcript

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Hey there. It's Laurie. Real quick before we get into this week's episode. Do any of the sound like you. You have everything you always thought you ever wanted. Career family, nice house, nice cars stamps in your passport. But it still feels like something's missing in your life. You're not quite sure what it is, but it just feels like you were made for something more. Or maybe you constantly feel like you need to learn one more thing, chase, one more achievement, earn one more accolade to make your life complete. You're always searching for the next right answer to find the fulfillment and happiness and satisfaction. You've always been looking for. Or maybe you feel like the planning never ends. There's always one more thing. To do or accomplish or get in place before you can take time for yourself. If you can relate to any of these, even a little bit. I want to make sure that you know about the free trainings that I'm hosting in December. Join me live to discover the three simple principles, every midlife woman, including you. Needs to know, to stop waiting until retirement or when the kids leave the house or when the time is right or someday. And start living her best life right now. You'll also learn how to become a part of the next cohort of the Gap Year. Starting in January, 2025. The Gap Year is a school of mid-life 12 month experience-based coaching program for high-performing midlife women to figure out who they are, what they actually want. And what matters most to them in this season of life. So plan to join me for the free live trainings in December. To learn how women everywhere are creating their best life in midlife. And skipping the midlife crisis. These trainings are free to join, but you must register to get the link. Grab your seat now with the clickable link in the show notes, or go to www.schoolofmidlife.com forward slash training to get signed up. That's www.schoolofmidlife.com forward slash training T R a I N I N G to get signed up. Let's make midlife your best life and let's get started now. I'll see you in December. Now let's get into this week's episode. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life. Hey friends. It's Laurie. Welcome back to another episode of the School of Midlife podcast. At the time this episode drops, we have just wrapped Thanksgiving in the U S and we are in the holiday thick of it. There are less than 30 days left in 2024, which seems bananas. Um, It also feels like this is when the shit gets real. Right. When all of a sudden we look at the calendar and realize this is it. We've got four weeks to go. And then the entire year is wrapped up. And for most of us, that means that there is a little. Well, maybe even a lot of pressure to finish projects at work, to finish projects at home to get everything ready for the holidays. And it feels like a lot. I don't know if you're feeling that, um, that it feels like there are two camps for the holidays. One super excited about all of the craziness and the parties and the dressing up and the food and the decorations and all of the things like you you really thrive on that kind of energy. And then there's another camp, which is oh, my God, I'm going to get it all done, but it's going to take everything that I have to actually put the holidays on this year. And regardless of where you fall on that spectrum. Because I do feel like there are certain things that happen during the holiday season that they're great. And we look forward to them every year. So there can be a lot of excitement and joy and energy with the holidays, but then there's the other stressful overwhelm. Overworked side of it because we're trying to not only host and create wonderful holiday memories for our families and friends, but we're also trying to wrap things up at work for the end of the year, you know, finish those last projects and sales goals and get the last couple meetings in before the end of the year, because many of us have monetary goals that and milestones that we have to meet before the end of the year, so that we can set ourselves up for a good next year. With that context. That the holidays can be great and overwhelming, today's episode follows a coaching conversation I had with one of my coaching clients last week. She is in the overwhelm camp. So yeah. She told me, she used to say the Christmas was her favorite time of the year. And now she doesn't know. Now, now she thinks that it's a lot of busy-ness and a lot of hard work with not a lot of payoff. I don't know if you can relate to that or not, but I certainly understood what she was talking about. So. We were talking about it because she feels like she's made incredible strides in the rest of her life with setting boundaries. And making sure that she is taking care of herself first. he G is being unapologetic about needing some time to herself or saying no to projects that aren't giving her energy or life and are just simply draining her. So on the one hand she's been really successful this year at approaching things a little differently in her life. And because of that, She's found some joy and fulfillment and just happiness that she's pretty excited about She will be the first to tell you that she has always had a great life, but she felt like something was missing. She didn't know what it was. We've spent a lot of time in coaching trying to figure that out. That's a whole nother conversation for another day. But what we talked about in our coaching call last week was this idea that she's done so great at managing every part of her life, setting the healthy boundaries setting and holding the healthy boundaries. But when it comes to the holidays, she just feels a different sort of obligation to make them exactly like they have been for the last 20 years. Right. There are things that she always does with her kids and things she always has done with her family and her friends. And she's feeling. This weight of their expectations, the. The things that she believes others are expecting from her during the holidays. And so while she has made great strides in setting and holding healthy boundaries, All year long, she just feels like the holidays are different. We'll get into whether or not those expectations are actually self-imposed or are they. Requirements that others are placing on her, but. She was just at a really interesting point heading in to the holidays this year. Feels like her life is in control instead of. Her life running her. Which it would, she feels like it has her whole life. She feels like she's the one calling the shots and that is a great feeling and a great place to be in. But like she said, the holidays feel different that there are all of these things that are expected of her. And so we, we dug into it a little bit and what I want to talk about here. Is the difference between. Obligations and opportunities. And I think that, distinction between whether something is an opportunity or whether it's an obligation. Making that distinction is important. Always it's particularly important during the holidays. So let's get into it when we talk about figuring out what we want to do with our life when I talk about making midlife your best life. There is something about that. That women. Feel. They understand it. They want to live that. But they also have this feeling that for some reason, Not that it doesn't apply to them, but they just don't have the time to focus on that right now. And I get it. You've got a lot going on. There are a lot of competing interests for your time and attention. But at some point. You have to be the one to say. You know what I'm not going to take on any more obligations. I'm not going to take on any more requirements of my time. I'm not going to let others dictate how. And when I do things, how I spend my time. The first step. In figuring out opportunity, your obligation is to literally make a list of all of the things you think you need to do between now and the end of the year. She made a list of everything that she feels like she needs to do between now and the end of the year. The work to dues. We went through and figured out which of those items actually has to be completed before the end of the year. Is there a sales goal that needs to be met? Is there a project that has to be completed? Is there an activity that must be completed by the end of the year? Because a lot of the projects that we think have to be done by the end of the year, they really don't. They can be pushed. To the beginning of next year. So we took the list. Focused on the things that must be done before the end of the year, push everything like rescheduled, everything else. To next year and that felt great. So then after we went through that exercise, then we also took the list, the, all the things that were remaining on the list. That weren't work related. And we figured out, is this an obligation? Is this something I feel compelled to do? Because I've always done it. Or is it an opportunity? This is something that I want to do because it feels like the holiday to me, it, it helps with the holiday spirit. It's something I want to do. And then once we looked at the opportunities. Let's figure out a place to put them on the calendar. Let's get them scheduled. Because I don't know about you, but. Every time. I think I've got calendar control during the holidays. I look up and then all of a sudden the calendar is completely full and it's, you know, I'm double, triple booked on certain nights. Because of all of the holiday parties and the client get togethers and the friend. Dinners and drinks and it's all great stuff. But en masse, It's, it can be a lot, especially if you're someone who is trying to be more protective of your time and energy during the holidays. So that. Everyone around you has a great time. And so do you, because you're not completely burned out and overwhelmed. So with my client, we tried to figure out where the overwhelm was coming from. And together. We walked through. Pulled out. Her calendar looked at what she had as far as appointments. And meetings and projects at work. That she had to complete by the end of the year. And to that we added all of the holiday. Activities. That she. Felt obligated to participate in. So there are things like baking. Cookies. Taking a day on a weekend. And bake all of the cookies and the candy. She and her kids have had a day to do that. Bake all the, all of the holiday cookies and candy. Since, since they were little. She didn't do that with her parents or her family. So she wanted to create a new tradition. After her kids were born, she got to the point where she was setting aside. At least one weekend day, if not two. To bake cookies, decorate them, wrap them so that they could give them away as gifts to teachers and friends and neighbors. But it was kind of a heavy lift. And for many, many years, she enjoyed it because she was spending time with her kids. Well, the kids are some in high school, some in college now. They don't want to spend time baking. Cookies and making candy. During the holidays. So no one has helped her in the kitchen for the last. She, she thinks probably about six years. Yep. She still feels obligated to continue. Baking the cookies and making the candy because in her mind, it is related to this great memory that she had something that she and her kids did together. But again, She's been the only one doing this for. At least six years. So we talked about. Why do you need to continue to do that? Is it just because you feel obligated to do it? Is it because other people expect you to do it? Or is there an opportunity there? Do you, do you actually like spending a day in the kitchen do you get some sort of deposit in the emotional bank account. Is there some sort of memory that this is sparking? Is there something enjoyable and relaxing about kneading dough and rolling it out and making cookies? It, is there something beyond this feeling that you have to do? That is giving you something positive in return. We talked about the holiday cards. She was lamenting that they did not have a full family photo that was taken this year that hasn't been posted to social. She was trying to figure out, well, how am I going to do cards this year? When the only photo that I have of the entire family everyone has already seen because I posted it to my social media accounts. Okay, well, We talked about cards and why does she feel the need to send out the carts? Because it's something that she's always done. Is it because she is concerned that if she doesn't send cards, then. She's going to drop off others. Mailing lists and she likes to get the cards. But she's also the only one who make sure that the photo is taken. The cards are. Laid out an ordered online. The addresses are updated. They're printed. They are stamped. They're mailed. Cards by themselves sound like a great thing to send out. When you start actually adding up the amount of time that it takes to produce them. Then maybe the. Juice is not worth the squeeze. Is there something she's getting out of sending out the cards? That puts it more in the opportunity column versus the obligation column. We also talked about the annual holiday party that she and her husband hosts each year. And it's a big deal. They have upwards of a hundred people at their house, usually on a week, night after work. They have some of it catered, but other things like the cookies and the candy. And the cocktails, they, they make themselves. And. It's a heavy lift. She likes having the holiday party because she likes entertaining. She likes to see her friends. She likes to get dressed up in a festive attire. Um, She likes hosting. So we talked about, okay, if you want to continue having the holiday party. And at this point she still was not convinced that that was the way to go. Because she's looking at her calendar, they haven't picked a date yet. She's worried about running out of dates now that we're already in December. How are they going to get the invites out? And with enough time so that people can make sure that they can squeeze the party into their schedule. But then on the other hand, everybody always expects that they're going to have the party. So they probably know that there's an invite. I mean, we were going round and round about, should she host the party or should she not host a party? And what we came up with is she likes seeing a lot of the people who come to the party that she only sees at the party. Um, With, you know, with the a hundred people on the guest list, obviously there are going to be her close, close friends that attend, but then there's going to also be some people that she probably hasn't seen since the last holiday party. So she does like. Having people overdo our house. She likes. entertaining. She likes seeing and catching up with people. That she hasn't spoken to or had much interaction with since the last holiday party. Which is great. But we talked about instead of trying to do it all this year. Why don't you. Schedule the date, like pull up the calendar, talk with your husband, figure out when you're going to schedule it. Get the invites out because those are the biggest issues at this point, because you need to know how many people are going to come so that you can make sure you have enough food and you've got enough to drink. And. Everybody's got it on their calendar. Get that done. Right now this week. And then the rest of it. Either. Figure out how you're going to have the entire thing catered. If you want light appetizers go to a local. Woman or company that is. Making beautiful charcuterie boards. Maybe instead of cookies and candy, because we've now taken that off the list because it feels more like an obligation. There's really no bang for the buck. The kids aren't going to be there. She's decided she's not doing holiday cookies and candy this year. Maybe instead of that. Maybe. She either orders. Cupcakes or places an order with the local chocolate producer somehow. Little finger desserts are going to be made and they're going to show up at the party, but she's not going to make them. Instead of getting frustrated because her husband isn't helping tidy up the house the day of the party. How about we move the date that the house cleaner comes to the day of the party. So that while she's at work, She doesn't have to worry about getting out of that meeting on time or even leaving early to tidy up the house because the house cleaners are going to do it while she's at work. Do you see how once you figure out what your obligations are, then you can figure out a way to either keep them, because there is some opportunity. There, there is something that you were getting out of it, there was something that you like. There's some memories that. You want to create their experiences that you want to have? That's great. You can still do those without having all of the obligation and all of the heaviness and all of the overwhelm. We just have to figure out what is on the opportunity list for the holidays. If it's on the obligation list. And it's still somehow meaningful to you to. Participate in that activity. Or that experience. Then how can you retool it? Or reassign. Responsibilities so that they're not all falling on your shoulders. At the end of the day, she's going to have the holiday party. But like I said, she's going to make sure that someone else is doing the food. Someone else is doing the cleaning. Instead of having an open bar with every single type of alcohol and mixer available, she's decided to do one signature holiday cocktail. And then. Wine and beer and some. Non-alcoholic. Festive drinks. So the holiday party, all of a sudden went from being this heavy burden to something she's looking forward to. And because we have parsed out. Her to dues that have to be done right now. And we have offloaded. A lot of the. Activities like the food and the drink and the cleaning that feel that that just contribute to. This idea that it's, it's going to be heavy. Now she's actually looking forward to the party, which is great. That's what parties should do. Right. They should make us. Happy that we're going to see people that we haven't seen in a while that we're going to make some great memories. Instead of, oh my God, we've done this party every year for the past 10 years. It's getting bigger. It's harder to pull off. I've got so much going on at work. And this party is just one more thing to add to my must do list before the end of the year. See the difference. There's a whole different energy shift there. And that's the, that's a difference between something that's an obligation, something that's an opportunity. Another thing we talked about was trying to figure out what to buy the kids and her kids mid, late teens, early twenties. The, the problem with the gift giving is one. She doesn't really know what they want anymore. Um, yes, they will send her a list, but it's full of very expensive items. And it's not that she. Doesn't want to give her kids a great Christmas. But she feels like they, they already have pretty much everything they, they need. So it gets to the point where she's buying things just so that they can open presents. Right. And she's making sure that each child has four or five gifts to open so that, you know, nobody feels left out. No one's playing favorites. And it gets to be this kind of mental game of evening out all of the gifts. And it can be expensive. It can be time consuming. So this year, she has decided instead of giving big gifts to the kids, Instead of wrapping up a bunch of gifts instead of heading to the store or going online and just rage buying so that there is something for them to open. Instead of giving gifts this year, they're going to give the gift of experiences. They're going to go on a family vacation. On Christmas morning when they would typically be opening up the gifts. They're going to figure out as a family where they want to go. Of course they'll give them some parameters about. Where in the world they would like to take the trip. I don't know if they're going to figure out. You know, certain continents or specific countries. But they'll put some parameters around it. They're going to work together to find a time where everyone can go. And then together as a family on Christmas morning. They're going to figure out. Where they want to go, what they want to do while they're there. And that is going to take a ton of pressure off of her. Because as my client. Indicated. She's also the one who is always booking the hotel. And booking the airfare and the tours and figuring out what they're going to do, creating the whole schedule. It all falls to her. But since they're going to do it as a family, then not only does she not have to go and buy a bunch of gifts that she's buying simply to buy gifts for them to open. But she's also taking care of her future self because she doesn't have to spend a bunch of time planning the family trip because they are going to take care of it. Together. The first step. In figuring out opportunity, your obligation is to literally make a list of all of the things you think you need to do between now and the end of the year. And I know you all are list makers because I've heard from you that you were. A lot, like I used to be, which is you make a list. And you like the dopamine hit of checking off the box or, or putting a checklist by the item. So if there are some things that you have already completed, You go ahead and write them on the list just so you can cross them off. Right. I know you do this. We've talked about this before. So you're going to make a list and it is a list of everything that you need to do or that you feel like you have to do, or you think you need to do between now and the end of the year. It should have work to do's on there. It should have work projects. It should have meetings. But it should also have all of your outside of work. Requirements. So bake cookies, send cards, wrap gifts, shop for gifts, then wrap them. Go see the Nutcracker. Decorate the house. Go to the choral concert at the church. Bake cookies. Make gingerbread houses. Go ice skating. Watch. Uh, Christmas story and Christmas vacation. And love actually. For the umpteenth time this year, whatever. You feel like. You need to take care of between now and the end of the year. Put it all on a list. And then I want you to go through and figure out what is an obligation. And what is an opportunity? And the distinction there. Is with obligations? You are only doing them because you feel. Obligated to do them. You feel. That. You have to do them. And, and there is a difference of course, between things that you have to do for work so that you can keep your job. That's that's an obligation that, you know, has to stay on the list. So you have to take care of, but if you are feeling obligated to. Bake. fruitcake because your grandmother made a fruit cake and then your mom made a fruit cake. And everyone is. Your, your aunts and your uncles, someone is expecting fruitcake. At Christmas Eve, even though no one ever eats the fruit cake. Then that is one of those. To do items that you feel like you need to do that should come off the list. Because. You're a grown-ass woman. You don't have to keep. Doing holiday. Activities. That you don't like to do. You don't have to do those anymore. You don't have to. Worry about. Packing your schedule full of. Traditions that no longer serve you. Just because. You opened. All of your gifts on Christmas morning when you were growing up. If you prefer to open them on Christmas Eve and go skiing for the day on Christmas. You can do that. As an adult, you can make your own rules. About how your going to celebrate the holiday. And those rules. Should honor the healthy boundaries that you have made. For yourself. Is your grandma going to be upset that there's no fruit cake. Maybe, maybe not. Is your mom going to be upset that there's no fruitcake? Maybe, maybe not, but if mom really wants the fruit cake, Mom can make the fruitcake. So part of this is once you figure out from your list, what you're not going to do anymore, let other people know. If they are. Expecting that you are going to continue to do it again this year, because you've always done it. Right. So that's that whole communication piece. But. Hear me when I say. Your happiness and peace and fulfillment. And joy around the holidays is just as important. As everyone else's. If there is something on your to-do list between now and the end of the year, that is only there. Because you feel obligated to do it, not because you like it to do it. Now because it brings you any joy, not because your getting anything out of it. Please, please do yourself a favor and take it off the list. Again, if someone's expecting that you're going to do it because you've done it for a long time, then make sure you let them know that you're not going to do it anymore. And if they want to do it, they can do it, but you're not doing it. And that is a gift that you can give to yourself. That's going to help you feel less stressed out and less overwhelmed this holiday season. It's going to allow you to be. Objective, when it comes to adding things to your calendar. Is it an obligation? Which there is no emotional capital. Attached to it. It's simply something you feel like you need to do. Is it an obligation? Or is it an opportunity because of it's an opportunity. Then there is some satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness or joy or some. Boost that you're going to get. From doing that thing. But if it's solely an obligation, Do yourself a favor. Give yourself the gift of taking it off your list this year. And I'd love to know once you listened to this episode and you decide what is an obligation that you are taking off of your holiday to do list. Will you tag me on social, maybe take a screenshot of this. Episode. Tag me on social. Let me know what it is, your taking off your list, because that should be celebrated. If social, isn't your thing. Shoot me an email. I love hearing from you. And I would love to know what you are taking off your list this year? Because it's an obligation. It's not an opportunity. And we don't spend our precious time doing things that no longer serve us. Thank you so much for being here today. I will see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session. Until then take a care. Remember to get yourself registered for the live trainings that are happening next week. The clickable link is in the show notes They're free and I hope to see you there. So have a great week. Take care. I'll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife podcast. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care.