Masquerading Through Midlife: Removing the Masks We Wear to Show Up as Our Authentic Selves

It's Halloween season! In today's episode, Laurie is discussing all of the masks that midlife women wear in their lives. She's talking about how we use masks to hide our truest and most authentic selves behind a persona that is more approachable to those around us. But at what cost?

You'll want to stay to the end, when Laurie removes her own mask, and candidly shares why it's hard to wear certain masks day-in and day-out.

This episode is a great reminder for all times of the year, not just Halloween.

LINKS + MENTIONS:
Episode 84: Who Run the World? Why the School of Midlife Is Not Co-Ed

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Transcript

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Part of the reason I don't like Halloween. Is because it reminds me of the countless years. I felt like I was wearing a mask in my own life. Like I was playing small to fit in. Or staying quiet instead of speaking up, keeping the peace instead of rocking the boat. I was feeling like I was wearing a mask that I was showing up as an imposter or feeling like I was acting as if. As if I was someone or something, I wasn't. And I'll tell you what. When you constantly dress yourself up to show up in your own life. It feels a little too exhausting to create another costume for Halloween. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life Hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I am your host, Laurie Reynoldson and I am thrilled to have you here today. I'm just getting back from this year's best life retreat in Sun Valley, Idaho. It was another incredible weekend. There. There are weekends like this past weekend. Where I can't believe I get the opportunity to do what I do with incredible women. It was, it was just another fantastic weekend. And I'm so full of gratitude and excitement. I can't wait to see what the women do moving forward because just like every year I am astonished at the huge leaps that women take in their own lives after spending just a weekend away. From the daily. Everything, you know, not just to the daily grind, but gosh, Uh, What, what. What are we going to have for dinner? Did you do the laundry? Um, who who's walking the dog tonight. It just so much coming at us from every angle that. It's important to get away sometimes. And. Being able to focus a little bit of time on yourself. Which got me thinking a lot about. One of the things that it's important to do at the beginning of the retreat. And I learned this the hard way. Is to establish. A safe zone. What I mean by that is too. Create an environment where women feel like they can. Be authentically themselves that they can. Speak their mind. They can talk about what's on their heart. They can feel all the feelings. And not worry about being judged. Not worried about being laughed at. Maybe surprisingly finding a lot of community and. Comradery The idea that. She'll say something. And if not every other woman, but many of the other women will be like, that's exactly how I feel too. Which has me thinking about halloween is almost here at the time. This episode drops. So there's probably another nine or 10 days until the big trick or treating day. For most adults, the Halloween parties will be this Friday or Saturday. And. I think I've said this on the podcast before, but I'm not a huge fan of Halloween. When I was five, my, my dad's mom, my grandma Margaret died on Halloween. That was the first time I ever saw my dad cry. So not a. Super happy moment. Um, We didn't spend a lot of time thinking about that. Like Halloween was always kind of an afterthought at our house, so we never had the extravagant costumes or the smart, witty costumes. It was just kind of, what can I throw together at the last minute? And that's what we did. Went to a bunch of. Crappy just awful haunted houses when we were super little. I, I'm not sure why. Our parents thought that was a good idea, but they, they scared the shit out of us. So for me, Halloween is just kind of always been an afterthought. It's never been anything that it made sense to decorate for or. Come up with. An idea about costume. Um, I will say the COVID year 2020. Mike and I dressed as Moira and Johnny Rose. And if you know what Mike looks like. You know that. Putting a suit on him, getting him a Johnny name tag and adding just a little extra color to his already. Dark thick eyebrows. He was able to pull it off very easily and, um, I, I feel like I knocked it out of the park is Moira. If you follow me on social and you should, I'll go ahead and post that photo from a couple of years ago. And you'll get an idea of what I'm talking about. Anyway, we, we did a great job then, but for most Halloweens, honestly, It has felt like. Just an additional burden to come up with a costume. Because I already felt like I was wearing. Not a costume, but certainly a mask. For much of my own life to feel like I was fitting in. I, I'm not sure that I was aware of it at the time I was doing it. I kind of just thought like, Well, they like me. If I show them who I truly am. What, what if I'm too much. What if I'm not enough or ma maybe even worse than that? What, what if, what if I'm not lovable? What if the real me showing up as who I am without. All the accoutrements. What if. I'm not the person that they think I am. What if they don't like me? So instead of. Being willing to be authentic and saying, this is who I am. Take it or leave it. A lot of us have never really shown up. As our true selves, we've, we've adopted this performer. Persona where we're always on. And we are always keeping up appearances, which is exhausting, especially if it's an appearance or a mask or a masquerade that doesn't align with your truest self. It's not naturally who you are. So. If you're someone who. Like me can turn it on. You've got to go to a fundraising gala or a marketing event for work. You can turn it on when you need to, but that's not. It's not like your. Authentic self. Because your authentic self. I would just rather be at home. Maybe reading a book, but for sure, hanging out with your good friends and family and not having small talk with a bunch of people. That you haven't seen since the last gala. And if you really enjoyed their company, you would see them more, right? You wouldn't just. You wouldn't just see them a gala time. You'd see them all the time. And. Part of. Wearing these masks because they're so many of them, I've just jotted a list down here of the different masks that women wear. And how that impacts. Our daily lives. Like one of them could be the ageless mask. The idea that. We need to attempt to appear younger. Than we are either through. Our clothing or how we act or all of the fillers and the procedures so that we can avoid age discrimination or maintain social status. There's the superwoman mask, which helps us project an image of. Just effortlessly balancing our career and family and personal life. Which we all know is bullshit. But yet we put on we, this, we project this image that we have it altogether, that we are the superwoman. We can do it all. We're not struggling at all. While we are actually struggling internally. And tamping down any feelings or emotions of inadequacy. Or. Feeling like we're a fraud. Or living with the feeling that, oh my God, what am I going to do? If they figure out that I don't have this all together, that I'm fumbling through life. Just like everyone else. And then there's the caregiver mask. Where. We fall into this trap where we are focusing. Almost exclusively. On the needs of others. At the expense of our own desire and identity, because we. Feel like our worth is tied to the roles we play in the lives of others. We feel like without this caregiver identity, Then who are we? Because if our value is derived from the. Roles that we play in the lives of others. If we're not actively caring for everyone around us. Then who are we and why do we matter? There's the professional mask and I, man, I wore this one. For decades, where you maintain this very businesslike, demeanor, so that you can be taken seriously in the workplace. Especially if you're like me and have worked in a male. Largely in male dominated careers. So. Attorney real estate brokerage. The whole idea that. You have to project a more masculine. Bulldog demeanor so that you can. Keep up with the guys so that you're not labeled unhinged or emotional. Which I mean, What the hell? We're all emotional people. So why should we think. That we wouldn't. The w somehow we can check our feelings and emotions at the door when we walk into the office, why should women. Be expected to act differently. In the office. Than their male counterparts. And before you think that they don't. If, if you think that. That is not something that happens for one thing, go back and listen to it. It was a couple of episodes ago. I think. When I just started talking about the difference between. Aggressive and assertive. And went down through the difference between how we label women and men. In the workplace. But for those of us, who've had to wear the professional mask. We know that it is so hard to walk that line. At work. Especially if it is not consistent with our. Natural. Truest self. But it's exhausting. What about the always happy mask That mask that women put on where everything is great. We're hiding our struggles, sadness, any dissatisfaction, it's the Pollyanna with the rose sunglasses. It's everything is great. Nothing is wrong. I'm so happy. My life is perfect. That's crap. Bullshit. And then there's the traditional mask, which is, I think, I don't know if it's still trending on Tik TOK, but the whole trad wife. Persona. That in order to be valuable in our society we have to conform to conventional gender roles. Even when they don't align with our own personal values or desires. The whole idea that the woman must take care of her husband and her kids. And. Bridie much sacrifice herself along the way. I'm sure plenty of us who have done that for years, but then you get to midlife and you're like, oh, I don't know if I. Uh, this doesn't feel sustainable to me anymore. It's not working for me. These roles aren't working for me anymore. And then that's when we get pushed back and we start to. Create and set. Some healthy boundaries that that will work for us then all of a sudden. Those in our lives who have benefited from us previously, not having healthy boundaries. Then they start telling us that we're having a midlife crisis, that we're going crazy. That we don't know what we're talking about. We just, you know, essentially. Need to get our asses back in the kitchen. There's something called the invisible mask. This. Downplaying of accomplishments or desires to avoid drawing attention to ourselves. Think about if you. Led a project, either a community service project as a volunteer on a board. Or you lead your team on a project and maybe you want an award. As women, we are expected to almost the first thing we say when we're accepting that award is thank the team around us. Oh, my gosh. I could not have done this without the tireless work and partnership with X, Y, and Z. And while that may be true, it's not always true, but there's this expectation. That we will. Shower attention and. Gratitude. That we will share the spotlight that we will. Downplay our role in it. And. Oversell the contributions of those around us. And finally the perfectionist mask, the one where that many of us have worn when we are striving for. Absolute perfection for. flawlessness in all areas of our life, so that we can prove our worth and capabilities to everyone around us. Not to take a complete. Right turn or 180 here, but. Like I said, I just got back today from the retreat. Aye. Oftentimes have these podcasts episodes, prerecorded. Weeks in advance. Not this one, this one was one that I thought, oh, you know, I'll just see what happens at the retreat. And I'll probably have something I want to talk about. So there's that obviously. With my father-in-law passing away. I don't even know if I talked about, but two weeks ago. There was a huge fire in Boise. And so we spent much of the weekend kind of watching out our windows to make sure that our house was going to be safe. I mean, there's been a lot going on. And this is me removing the mask that I've got it all under control. I've got it all taken care of to just say. You know what. Um, I'm tired. I'm just damn tired at this point. Um, physically, mentally. And. I could keep going with this message. I was going to talk about imposter syndrome. I was going to talk about. You know, the feelings of insecurity and doubts about our own abilities and accomplishments. There's an interesting paradox that the more successful you are. The more likely you are to experience stronger feelings of. Imposter syndrome. The whole idea of Acting as if in your life, the whole fake it till you make it. With all of it in my mind, tied to the different masks that we wear. And I certainly, I still believe that. And there's probably some good. Smaller nuggets for another episode. But this is me taking off my mask with you today and just saying. I don't have it in me. I need to. Step away from the microphone. And just spend some time. Recharging. In fact. I had a, I had a massage yesterday, so after the retreat was over, I decided to stay in sun valley for an extra night, just to decompress a bit. I've never done that before. And it was great. I also scheduled myself a massage, following the retreat, which I haven't done that before either. but I just kind of thought it would be a nice way to spend the afternoon. And it was the saddest massage I have ever had in my life. Not because. The Did anything wrong? In fact, I've, I've had massages from him before I actually request him. I think he's great. And he just said, Your body is full of stress. There are stress knots everywhere. Like I couldn't even, I could barely stand. The lightest amount of pressure. Uh, my hips and my glutes and my it band. Just all of it. I was so painful. It was just hot and it just, it felt like it was on fire and. Everything my shoulder, all of it. It was just a ball of stress. And it got me thinking that. The mask that I typically wear it's the performer mask and it's the superwoman mask. And. I've tried for a long time to take them off, to be more authentic, to be more vulnerable. And I, on most days, I really think I'm succeeding. Um, but lately. I don't know that I'm doing a great job in my body is. Is remembering all of the things it's, it's like packing them away. It's thinking that at some point we're going to deal with these. Feelings and emotions and all this stress. And man, I've just done a miserable job of it lately. At one point, I thought, you know what? I'm going to. Link to last year's episode that came out around Halloween. We'll do a replay there. I could do that. But I'm not going to, so this is going to be a short one. If you're a first time listener. Come back again. There will be more rhyme or reason, um, more in line with, uh, a topic. In future episodes. But this one is just that it's all over the place. So, I'm sorry for that. Um, and I guess maybe less, sorry, but thank you. Let me express some gratitude here for allowing me to tap out, take care of myself and. I will be back here next week when the school of midlife is back in session. Until then take great care. Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife podcast. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care.