Why "Someday" Shouldn't Be Your Retirement Plan

In this week's episode of the School of Midlife podcast, Laurie discusses why you should stop waiting for retirement to live your best life. She urges listeners to figure out what they want in life right now, so that they begin making that their reality before retirement.

She explains why midlife women are more apt to delay living their dreams until "someday," and the impact of "someday syndrome" on our lives.

Finally, Laurie shares the greatest lesson her Dad ever taught her.

This episode is a must-listen for any women still thinking that she has to wait until the kids have left the house, or until retirement, or until the time is right, or until someday to start focusing on herself.

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Transcript

0:02

Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life Welcome back to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson and I am thrilled that you're here today for another solo episode. Today, we're talking about why you should stop waiting until retirement to figure out what your best life looks like. And related to that once, you know what your best life looks like, why you should stop waiting until retirement to make that your reality. Let me start there as a high achieving midlife woman, your probably guilty of what I'm going to talk about on some level. You're probably guilty of delaying personal fulfillment, figuring out what it is you want in life. Putting off what you want to do because the timing's not right for others in your life, or someone else needs you. And your perception is that there needs of you, and your time somehow, trump, yours. Before we dive into that though. I want to address something that happened recently. I was in a conversation with an incredible woman, and she was asking me about the School of Midlife, what it is, who it's for. And when I mentioned that it was for high achieving midlife women, she shook her head and said, oh no, that that's not for me. Not because of her age, she's in her mid forties. So squarely in midlife by any definition. But get this. She said that the School of Midlife was not for her because she wasn't a good student in high school or college. She was a C plus student. She's a nurse. So she literally keeps people alive. That's her job. She works in a hospital. She takes care of her patients after surgery. She literally keeps people alive. And then she goes home at night and is raising three kids, two who have gone on to college, and the other is nearing the end of high school. Yet, she doesn't think she's a high achieving woman. Hear me when I say this."High achieving," at least how that term is used here at the School of Midlife has absolutely nothing to do with the grades you earned in high school. Or college. It doesn't matter if you were a good student or not, and it certainly doesn't matter what your job title is, whether you're the CEO of the hospital or a doctor or a nurse. If you work outside of the home, even if that's a job where say you work virtually from home. If you work and also spend time doing the more traditional female caregiving and housekeeping roles at home, you're high achieving. But you don't even have to have a job to be high-achieving midlife woman. It doesn't matter if you don't work outside of the home. If you're the CEO of your household. So you're keeping all of the house shit together, you're high-achieving because that is not a simple job. You're keeping small humans or pets or plants alive, not a simple job. So can we all agree that if you're listening to this podcast and you're a midlife woman: you're a high achiever. Just, just embrace it. Don't be embarrassed to claim it or feel like you don't deserve it. Just step into that identity and own it. I expected that to be a little bit more of a tangent, but actually it ties in pretty well with what we're talking about today. So let's, let's circle back there. Your probably guilty of delaying your own personal fulfillment. And it's, it might not just be retirement that you're using your well, let's call it your delay excuse. It could be waiting until the kids leave home or waiting until some point in the future or"some day". And I'm someday in air quotes because who knows when that is. Or you're waiting until retirement or whatever the reason is that you've decided that you need to put off focusing on yourself. And living your best life until some point later. And I, I get it. Women do this all the time. You are not alone in living your life this way. In fact, I, there are, I'm sure there are many different reasons we do this, but there is one across the board, universal, applies to all of us reason. And that is, we do this because of the way we were raised. The way we were conditioned as young girls. It's related to the stories we were told and those that we learned when we were younger. Like that we needed to raise our hand before we spoke in class. Or that we needed to ask permission to go to the bathroom. Or that we needed to be excused from the dinner table. So as we got older, those lessons we learned as young girls, those became rules that we lived by. That we never questioned. We grew up and became women who seek approval from others. Or who want validation? Who look for permission to do something. Anyone else have words of affirmation as their love language? This is exactly where that comes from. We're looking for permission from others to do something in this case, doing something that we want to do for ourselves. Any of this resonating with you? I'll bet it does. And I'm willing to bet that you've never really thought about it that way before. Am I right? You just thought that's the way it is. That's just who I am. But it doesn't have to be. You don't need to wait until retirement to start living the way you want to live to start exploring new hobbies, to schedule in travel that you've been delaying until retirement. You can actually start doing those things right now. You don't have to quit your job. You don't have to decide you're going to retire. You could take a sabbatical. And you could even, and this might seem really far afield for you, but you could actually start taking your paid time off or your vacation days that you tend to roll over into the next year because you don't have enough time to take them. But you can start doing those things now. And in fact, I think you should, you should start now. And here are a couple of reasons why. Number one. A long, healthy retirement is guaranteed to none of us. We have no idea how long we're going to be able to live. And it's not even how long will ultimately live, but how long will we be healthy enough, strong enough, physically able to go and do and see the things that we are putting off until retirement. Because all of those are unknowns. That means, if we wait until retirement. There will likely be a lot of items on the bucket list. That we'll never experience. And because you're a high achieving woman, I know how much you like to check things off of to-do lists and let's face it. A bucket list is basically just another to-do list. But instead of obligations that you need to take care of for others, that bucket list of yours, that's the to-do list of things you want to do. So those are the things you should be checking off your list sooner than later. The second reason why we shouldn't wait to start doing the things we want to do. What if you've delayed the things until retirement and you get there, say you finally retire, and you don't even like the things that you had planned to do during retirement. Say you watched the movie"Under the Tuscan Sun" and you've always loved the idea of moving to Italy, buying an Italian Villa, renovating it and retiring there. But you've never actually been to Italy. Because you're waiting until someday, until your 401(k) hits a certain number, a completely arbitrary number, but a number that you have been working towards, nonetheless. And you finally get there. You finally get to retirement. You finally get to Italy. You buy your Villa. And then you realize you don't want to live there. Maybe this is a bad example because who doesn't want to live in Italy? I mean, the food, the wine, the dolce di niente, or the sweetness of doing nothing, which is how they live their life. It's. So good. But for some reason, Italy is not for you. You miss the big city, you miss your family and your friends. You don't want to learn a new language. So you have waited until retirement to make your retirement dream a reality. Only to figure out you don't even like it. Wouldn't it have been better to start taking some steps towards your retirement plan before you were actually retired. Like plan a trip to Italy. Spend a couple of weeks or even a month there. Figure out what it's like to actually live there. Maybe start taking Italian classes. Can you even learn a new language? Because for some people that's really hard, it might be easy for you. It might not be. And, and then of course, There's this whole idea that you'll need to save some money to remodel your Villa. But how much is that? How much money will you actually need in retirement? More and more, it's probably less than you think. If you joined us at the School of Midlife for last month's book club discussion when we read"Die With Zero" by bill Perkins, Then you understand the reality that most of us work longer than we need to, to save more money than we'll ever be able to spend. And in the process, we delay or forego experiences until it's too late. And instead of putting those memories in the memory bank, we just keep working and saving the money that we will ultimately never be able to spend and will be given to our children. Or to our favorite charities when we die. Let's take another example. You dream of sailing around the world in your own sailboat when you retire, because that's what your parents always wanted to do, but they weren't able to do it for one reason or another. So you adopt it as your retirement dream. And then you retire and you buy your boat and you set out on your way. And then by sundown on the first day, you're in the middle of the ocean. Seasick. And then there's a tricky issue with the engine, which you don't actually know how to fix. It turns out that sailing isn't really your cup of tea and captaining that boat? Definitely not how you want to spend the next nine or 10 or 12 months of your life at sea. In fact, you'd rather fly into destinations, charter a boat and spend just a couple of days lying in the sun and sipping cocktails while someone else drives the boat from port to port. That is actually your retirement dream, not the sail around the world in your own sailboat that was your parents' retirement dream. But wouldn't it have been better to figure that out before you actually retired. Hopefully you get what I'm talking about with these examples. Travel now to learn about yourself. What do you like? What don't you like? Take up those hobbies now to learn whether you like golf or pickle ball or playing the guitar. You don't have to go all in, but dip your toe into a pool of a ton of different experiences now. So that, you know, what you like and what you don't like. How you'll want to spend retirement. And how you will want to spend your someday. Speaking of someday, let's talk about the someday syndrome." There are three very simple principles to making midlife your best life. The first is you must know what you want, not what you've been conditioned to want, not what your parents or society told you to want, but what it is that you actually want. The second is how do you define success? Not in the traditional sense of what your career and how much money do you make, but what is really important to you? What are your non-negotiables? What does success mean to you? The third is knowing exactly what your best life looks like, because without this step, you'll just keep adding things to your to-do list. Thinking that after you accomplished the next thing on the list, you'll finally feel that sense of purpose and fulfillment and accomplishment that you've been chasing your whole life. And I just have to say, if that's the way life really worked, that all you had to do was check another thing off of your to-do list, you'd already be living your best life. Because you're no stranger to hard work and earning achievements and accolades, or even checking things off that to do list. But even with your great life, you still feel like something's missing. You're not sure what it is. You just expected to feel... differently once you made it to midlife. And I get it. I've been there myself. I was successful by every societal measure: highly respected career, marriage, I owned a big home on a big lot, had a vacation home in the mountains, drove nice cars. By all outward appearances. I had a great life. I had everything. I always thought I ever wanted. But the truth is I still felt like something was missing. I was overworked, exhausted, resentful. I felt stuck. I was ready to press the reset button on my entire life and start over. But everything changed for me once I started applying those three simple principles in my own life. And I want to share what I learned with you. Please join me for a free webinar: how to make midlife your best life and skip the midlife crisis, where I'll walk you through those three simple principles and show you how applying them in your own life will help you to make midlife your best life. Click the link below and get signed up and I'll see you there. What do I mean by someday syndrome? It's a mindset that plagues many high achieving individuals, particularly midlife women. And it's this tendency to postpone personal happiness. Or self care or the pursuit of our own dreams to some arbitrary future date. Often until retirement or when the kids leave the home. Here's how I would describe it. Someday syndrome is the belief that there will be a perfect, magical time in the future when all of the stars align. And you can finally focus on yourself. It's that voice, that whispers, once I get this promotion or after the kids start college, Or when I retire. Then I'll have the time to write that book, travel the world, take up pottery. Do you know that voice? Someday syndrome is based on several different principles. Number one, the myth of perfect timing, this belief that there will be a time when responsibilities somehow lessen. And life becomes less hectic. Number two, the martyrdom mentality. Putting everyone else's needs first, often at the expense of your own wellbeing. Number three, that your identity is tied to the roles you play in the lives of others. We've talked about this before on the podcast, but when you define yourself primarily as a professional or a mother or a partner, it becomes harder and harder to justify time for you to do the things that you want to do. Number four, the fear of selfishness that we're, or at least looking selfish; right? Worrying and that focusing on your own needs means that you're necessarily neglecting the needs of others. But those two aren't mutually exclusive, you can do both. And finally this, this is another one we've talked about in other episodes, but the myth of perfectionism. Waiting for all of the conditions around you and in the lives of everyone else to be just right before you give yourself permission to focus on yourself. Here's the cold, hard truth about someday syndrome. Someday, almost never comes. Because life has a way of throwing curve balls our way. That could be health issues or career changes or family needs. So by waiting, we risk never experiencing the fulfillment. We've worked so hard to earn. Speaking of someday and the someday syndrome. Here's the truth. There will never be the perfect time. Or the right time or the best time. So stop waiting and do the damn thing. I mean, What are the cost of waiting? You run out of time. You either die or you're physically unable, or, or maybe cognitively unable to do the thing you want to do. There are so many lost opportunities for personal growth, learning new things, adding experiences to the memory bank that you can continue to relive over and over again, after you do them. And then of course, is this illusion of control. That somehow you'll know exactly the best time to do something. Except that life is unpredictable. You don't know when things will happen, that will affect what you want to do. Uh, COVID anyone. I mean, did anyone have that on your bingo card for 2020? I certainly didn't and I sure as hell didn't understand the longterm impact of the pandemic when it. Started. Happening in February and March of 2020 had no idea how long it would last. Last year, I would have never guessed that we'd spend six, seven, eight months as the primary care caregivers for my in-laws. That things would progress to the point that we need to move them both to memory care this year. I just didn't expect that. Those are the kind of curve balls and this whole illusion of control that then we need to let go of, because we just don't know. We can't control the future. We can only take advantage of the time and the opportunities we have now. So plan for the future; yes. But wait to do all of the things in the future, please, please do not do that. Here's another thing. And another thing I say with my finger in the air. If you still think it's selfish to do the things you want to do, think about this. You deciding to make decisions that benefit you. You doing things that are important to you? You're modeling the importance of self care and trusting yourself and being self-reliant for your kids. For your family, for your friends. So, instead of telling yourself that it's selfish to think about yourself before your kids or your family, think about the legacy, your leaving to them. The importance of self-love and self-care as modeled by their high-achieving bad-ass midlife mom. Talk about impact. That is pretty damn cool; isn't it? I, I cannot deny the coincidence of timing for this episode. At the time the episode drops this coming Sunday is Father's Day. And I want to tell you about my dad. He was my parent. You know how there is usually one parent that you click with more the, the one who has your back, the one who shows up for all of your soccer games and your musical performances or your dance recitals. The one who is always there, your go-to parent. Well, for me, that was my dad. And I want to tell you about the greatest gift my dad ever gave me and it ties beautifully into this week's episode, so indulge me here for a little bit. My dad retired on his 66th birthday from his second career. So he had it, he took an early retirement in his early fifties from a company And then retirement didn't stick because all of the rest of his friends were busy at work. He didn't really plan for retirement because it happened pretty quickly. Um, and so when he called me and said that he had just built a soundproof box for his air compressor in his woodshop cause air compressors, I guess, make too much noise to have in the wood shop. Um, it was pretty apparent to everyone around us that he needed to go back to work because he needed to have something to do. So he went back to work. He worked another, I think 10 or 11 years. Retired from his second career on his 66th birthday. And he did that because he wanted to maximize his Social Security benefits. Not because he'd been careless about saving for retirement. It was the principle of it to him that he'd paid into Social Security for decades of his life, and it was somehow owed to him. Like he wanted those checks. He was living in Arizona before retirement and he moved back to Boise for retirement. And I had the happy experience of driving with him from Phoenix to Boise. We spent a couple of days in the car. Uh, unfortunately with his cat, I'm not a cat person. Um, but the cat was there. But it was this lovely time and we spent a lot of time talking about his plans for retirement. He said things like he was, he wanted to join a garage band because he had played the drums in high school and he really missed playing the drums. So he thought it'd be fun to join a garage band. And because he was moving from Arizona back to Boise, he wanted to get back into snow skiing. He was planning to golf four or five times a week. He wanted to write some songs for that garage band to sing. Because Idaho has a ton of rivers and streams and whitewater, he thought that maybe taking up fly fishing sounded like a fun hobby to do in retirement. And then of course he was going to set up his woodworking workshop with his soundproof box for his air compressor, those were going to be set up in his new house as well. Because he was moving into a house that was still under construction when he moved to Boise in July of that year, he lived with us for five months, so it was great. You know, he went to football games with us and he would bike to the wineries with us in the summertime. And we went water skiing and wakeboarding in the summer. Went to the Shakespeare festival and all, you know, all of the typical summer things and fall things that we do here in Boise. His birthday was July 10th. He lived with us for five months. He closed on his house, it was done with construction on December 12th of that year, so five months after retiring. And then he had a heart attack and died on December 26th. So all of those social security checks that he'd, he'd worked so long to earn, he received five of them. And all of those dreams for retirement, well, they died with him too. Five months after retirement. So no garage band. No fly fishing, no snow skiing, no woodworking. The greatest lesson my dad ever taught me was to stop waiting and start living. Simple as that. He taught me a lot of lessons, but that that was the most important. Stop waiting until retirement. At the time this episode drops, I'm hosting a free webinar next week, that will teach you the three simple principles to start living your best life right now and stop waiting until someday or until retirement. There's a clickable link in the show notes, and I hope you join me even if you can't make it live, be sure to sign up so that you can get the replay. Because this is an important one. We get one life. My friends let's make it a good one. Thank you so much for being here today. I, I am always grateful that you spent some time with me on your Tuesdays, or whenever you listen to the School of Midlife podcast. I love doing life with you. I love figuring out all of the real life lessons that they never taught us in school. And figuring out how we can together make midlife our best life. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session. Until then, take good care. There are three very simple principles to making midlife your best life. The first is you must know what you want, not what you've been conditioned to want, not what your parents or society told you to want, but what it is that you actually want. The second is how do you define success? Not in the traditional sense of what your career and how much money do you make, but what is really important to you? What are your non-negotiables? What does success mean to you? The third is knowing exactly what your best life looks like, because without this step, you'll just keep adding things to your to-do list. Thinking that after you accomplished the next thing on the list, you'll finally feel that sense of purpose and fulfillment and accomplishment that you've been chasing your whole life. And I just have to say, if that's the way life really worked, that all you had to do was check another thing off of your to-do list, you'd already be living your best life. Because you're no stranger to hard work and earning achievements and accolades, or even checking things off that to do list. But even with your great life, you still feel like something's missing. You're not sure what it is. You just expected to feel... differently once you made it to midlife. And I get it. I've been there myself. I was successful by every societal measure: highly respected career, marriage, I owned a big home on a big lot, had a vacation home in the mountains, drove nice cars. By all outward appearances. I had a great life. I had everything. I always thought I ever wanted. But the truth is I still felt like something was missing. I was overworked, exhausted, resentful. I felt stuck. I was ready to press the reset button on my entire life and start over. But everything changed for me once I started applying those three simple principles in my own life. And I want to share what I learned with you. Please join me for a free webinar: how to make midlife your best life and skip the midlife crisis, where I'll walk you through those three simple principles and show you how applying them in your own life will help you to make midlife your best life. Click the link below and get signed up and I'll see you there.