31. Big Moves in Midlife: How to Know If It's Time for a Major Life Shift

One of the biggest struggles for midlife women is knowing when it's time to make a big life change.

In this episode, Laurie identifies typical "big changes" in midlife: career changes, divorce, moving to a new city, going back to school, and others. She discusses the signs that indicate it may be time to make a change, including discussing the red flags in her own life when she decided it was time to make a midlife career change. Finally, Laurie walks the listener through a series of questions to consider when contemplating a big life change.

This episode is a must-listen for any midlife woman feeling restless, bored, stagnant or blah about any part of her life.

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Transcript

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And then here was the real kicker. It took me a while to understand what was happening here, but. I found myself. Getting increasingly. Bothered. Maybe irritated actually. By my clients reaching out to me with what I thought was a dumb question. So let's put this in perspective. The very people who were paying me to help them navigate their real estate transaction. They were paying me. They would ask me a question, which I would bill them for. So they're paying me. And that was irritating to me. That should definitely be a red flag. that to me is a sign that I need to take a step back and figure out what's really going on here. Is this still serving me or do I need to make a change around that? Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Hey friends. Welcome back to the school of midlife podcast. Today, we're talking about one of the most frequent questions for midlife women. And that is how do you know when it's time to make a big change in your life? Changes could include switching careers, getting a divorce, uh, moving to a new city or country even. Maybe going back to school to finish your degree. Ending a friendship. Big changes. So to set the stage, we'll be exploring how to tell if you're truly unhappy or unfulfilled. Versus maybe just going through a rough patch, like, do you actually need to make a change or will this. Smooth itself over and a couple of it after a bit of time. And how to evaluate if a big change is the right solution for you. during this episode, all share some insights I've gained from changing careers and leaving the law at the age of 45. After 20 years of practicing law. So with that. Groundwork, let's dive in. First, I think it's important here to level set. What do I mean, when I talk about a big change. These are. Pivotal moments, life changing decisions. This is if you were looking at, you know, you come to the proverbial fork in the road. And you can either go to the left or go to the right and. If you have a tendency or have always gone to the right, let's say, and you come to a new fork. Maybe you think about going left? Because. Your at this pivotal moment, this, this life changing time in your life. Because the truth is your life won't change. Unless you get really intentional about making a change. So examples of a big change. could include a career change of a move to a new city or country. Ending a marriage going back to school to finish a degree. Going back to work after the kids leave. Changes that you know them when you see them right. You can feel the weightiness of the decision. If you're like most women, these are decisions that you don't take lightly. They're, they're the ones that you think about for a while. You ruminate on them. They met. I might even wake you up at two o'clock in the morning because. It's it's front and center. You're thinking about it all a lot. Those are the kind of decisions that we're talking about. The, the big ones, you know, not, not the, what are we gonna have for dinner tonight or what are we gonna have for dinner tomorrow night? But. The big changes, the ones that will make a big impact one way or the other on your life. Now that we know what those big changes could be. And certainly there are others, but these are sort of the, the typical ones that we generally talk about. When we're talking about. Midlife. Angst. And making some of these big decisions that will change the trajectory of your life in midlife. So. Let's talk about some signs that it could be time for a big change in your life. One of the first things. Is this feeling of. Unfulfillment. Restlessness. Maybe, maybe feeling a little stagnant in the current situation. Things that are making you question, like, is this it. Or I've worked my ass off for this. Or now, what do I do? They are these feelings of discontent. In your current role or your current reality? Where maybe you're no longer challenged or you feel yourself pulling away so that you're no longer engaged. it can be this sense of. Is this all there is, and, and a profound desire for more. That's that typically starts at a certain age. I'm not, I'm not going to lie, but you. There comes this age where you start looking. Around and where you are. And thinking about. Realistically how much time there's left. How much time do you have left? And you start comparing. Yourself to where you are now. And that future self who has. Completed the items on the bucket list. And you realize that there is a. Pretty large gap between where you are and where you want to be. So it's not that you're comparing yourself and your life to others. But you're comparing yourself and your life to. The you that is living her best life and is able to go and do and experience all the things that are on that bucket list. So there comes this this time, this, this age where you start looking. Around and comparing yourself to where you are. And you're comparing that to the bucket list. Because there are still all the things on the still to do list, right? But there's only so much time left. So how much longer are you going to wait? It's also that. This point in life, when we start realizing that that. LA's a fair approach to life that, you know, I'll get to it when I have more time or when it's more convenient for others. Maybe that's no longer serving you. And, and so you start questioning, like, is this a midlife crisis? And it's not. But it is this sort of midlife ass kicking, Not that it's now or never. But you're running out of time. So, when are you finally going to make the decision to make a change? Oftentimes the desire to make. Midlife change or, or really major life events. That desire, typically bubbles up. Around. Kids leaving the house, milestone birthdays, the retirement of your spouse. The death of a parent. These are major life events. And we start then. We question all the things like. Am I where I should be. Um, why am I not further along? Why am I not happier? Why don't I feel more fulfilled? And it's these kind of. Almost constant nagging questions that lead to. This desire to do something different, to make a big change. So. What types of changes are we talking about? I think let's start with career change because so many women that I work with are wrestling with. Big big decisions relating to their career and their jobs. I think a lot of them. They get to a point where they have to figure out am I going to make a big change and they start weighing the risks and the benefits of making a big change to. Should I just. Stick it out for another, say four to five more years until retirement. Right? So they're doing this. Cost benefit analysis. This weighing the pros and cons. Should they stay where they are? In a position that they don't really like what they're doing anymore. But. Oftentimes, there are some financial trade-offs that if they stay where they're at. They might have a higher payout, um, on a pension plan. I mean, Uh, most pension plans, although they're less and less common than they used to be, but most of them have an age plus years and service component. So let's say a woman wants to retire early at 55. And she's 50 or 51. Her pension is going to be higher if she just stays the course. And, you know, guts it out for another four to five years. Her retirement benefits are going to be higher. But she has to weigh. Is it okay. It, can she see herself? Sucking it up. And going through the motions, going to work every day for the next four to five years. Is that going to be worth the financial trade off? Is the emotional. Toll. That, that inevitably is going to spill over into every aspect of her life. Is the emotional toll outweighed by the financial benefits that she will have by. Sticking with it. And I don't know. I mean by no one can answer that, but her. in addition to pension plans, A lot of women have to figure out. if it makes financial sense for them to leave. A bunch of stock options on the table. You know, they're called golden handcuffs for a reason, right? They're there keeping. Her in her job, they're essentially handcuffing her to that job because of the. Potentially big financial reward. That she will receive when she. Cashes out the stock options. But you only get those if they're fully vested. So that keeps her. In her current position for longer than she should want. It's interesting. When we get to the point when our career. Feels like it's no longer aligning with our. Interests or values. And. A lot of times women will start experiencing signs like chronic boredom or lack of engagement or dreading going to work every day. For me. It was a chronic case of the Sundays. So not just, you know, kind of an off Sunday here or there, but every Sunday, And it was this. Overwhelming feeling of dread this. This lethargy that would wash over me on a Sunday morning and spill over into the afternoon where I didn't want to do. Anything. But I knew there was still plenty to do before the weekend ended. I was feeling like just sitting on the couch. Wasn't. Productive, especially when I knew I had this huge long to-do list to finish before the week started on Monday. But most of the times I would hang out in my sweats. Or my yoga pants until it was time to make dinner. Finally, take a shower around bedtime and then head to bed. Feeling guilty for all of the things I didn't accomplish. So. I would. It was like, I would waste every Sunday. And. Not that, not that relaxing. Is unproductive or the, that is where the waste is. The waste was from just the dread and the emotional toll that thinking about. Going to work the next day. How that impacted my. Ability or, or really inability to do anything else, but gets stuck in the dread on Sunday, thinking about. I got to go to work tomorrow. And I did that for years. And then another flag that that came up is I found myself. Looking at the online job board. A lot. You know, Okay, so maybe I'm not happy. In this firm or in this corporate legal job. I'll just keep looking for. A different job. And for many years, that's what I did. I. I did an episode. Quite awhile ago on, on for a long time, I thought it was a job whore because I would just go from one job to the next job, to the next job until I actually realized that it wasn't. The job. That was the problem. It was the career that I had chosen. That was the problem. It's like that Taylor swift song. Hi. It's me. I'm the problem. It's me. Um, Yeah, like me breaking up with the law. It's not, you it's me. Anyway. I was frequenting the online job boards. I was just hanging out, looking at what new opportunities might be out there. And I, and then I'd find myself replying to some of those marketing emails from headhunters on LinkedIn. You know, the ones I'm talking about, the, the emails that start off with a compliment about your work history and, you know, you're so accomplished and your experiences. So in alignment with what we're looking for and. My ego would get pumped up and sometimes I would actually catch myself replying to those emails. Contrast that though, that when I was happy at work or doing things. And on the job that we're fulfilling. I would ignore those emails completely. I mean, Would they would pop up and I would delete them really, without even reading them. So not only was I cruising the job boards, but I was replying to. email, solicitation emails. And then here's here was the real kicker. It took me a while to understand what was happening here, but. I found myself. Getting increasingly. Bothered. Maybe irritated actually. By my clients reaching out to me with what I thought was a dumb question. So let's put this in perspective. The very people who were paying me to help them navigate their real estate transaction. They were paying me. They would ask me a question, which I would bill them for. So they're paying me. And that was irritating to me. That should definitely be a red flag, right. It, it took, I mean, now that I look back on it, it's very obvious when I was in the thick of it. I don't think I realized it. So I've started. evaluating. Any decision or. To change something to stop something, to quit something. The test that I have been applying that has, has worked really well for me. Is, is this an opportunity? Or an obligation. I'll say that again. Is this an opportunity or an obligation, because most things start out as an opportunity. You can see the upside with it. As it goes on though, for a while, there are times where, what was once an opportunity. Becomes an obligation. And I'm not saying you should walk away from all of your obligations. But if your mindset has shifted where the enthusiasm, the motivation, all of the benefits of it, of the, whatever it is, being an opportunity. Once those shift to an obligation where you almost find yourself. Resenting. The the appointment on the calendar or the upcoming date on the calendar or the task that you have to do. You start resenting it because it's become an obligation. Then that to me is a sign that I need to take a step back and figure out what's really going on here. Is this still serving me or do I need to make a change around that? Moving on, we talked about, when it might be time to make a change in your career or your job. It might, you might also need to make a change in relationships. Um, say you are deeply unhappy in your marriage. Maybe there is. A lot of, uh, The constant fighting and bickering where, gosh, it just feels like you can't see eye to eye on anything. Or. Uh, disconnect. There's. There comes a point. I think in every marriage where there are times where it just feels like you're married to your brother where there's just such a disconnect or a lack of intimacy, where you find that your deepest conversations are with someone other than your spouse. Your behavior in the relationship is changing because of a lack of intimacy or a feeling of disconnection or this constant fighting and bickering. Beyond. Career change. Relationship change. Another. Sign that. Maybe it's time to make a change is. If you're feeling stuck personally. And you don't, you don't know why it is you're feeling stuck because you can't really point to say your career or. Uh, relationship or a friendship. You just feel stuck. Like you. You just don't have any hobbies or things that you like to do just for you, or you've noticed a lack of close friends or your feeling unchallenged. Like Groundhog's day. you're living the same day over and over again, every single day. there's kind of this general loss of passion or zest for life, different than say a deep depression or pervasive anxiety, which. Absolutely. That should lead to a doctor's visit. You should, you should get some professional help there. This is more of just kind of a flatness, more of a boredom, more of a blondness. desire to burn it all down, start over. They've got that red. Reset button. And all they want to do is press the reset button But the bottom line is they're just not being personally challenged. They're in a relationship that isn't serving them. Maybe they're in a career that. That. There is definitely a root. Because of this, blondness this flatness, this axed and it's. Trying to figure out where that comes from. That is where the work is. So. We've talked about what a big changes and signs that it may be his time. Let's, let's move on to some questions to ask yourself when. Contemplating a big life change. I'll say these are good things to think about, and I would encourage you to spend some time on them. Maybe even journal on them. You might also want to pause this episode, grab a pen and paper and write them down so that you have them. Uh, obviously if you're driving, it goes without saying, please don't write them down now, but maybe download the episode so you can come back to it. But I see them as two buckets of questions. One of them relates to the status quo and evaluating the status quo. And the other relates to future potential. So if you were to make the change. What does that future potential look like? So here they are in no particular order, we will start with bucket number one, status quo questions. Is this a temporary rut that you're feeling or a deep unhappiness. And How long have you felt this way? Then have you made any efforts to improve the situation? And if so, What results did you see? If not. Are there some efforts that you could make to potentially improve the situation? And then the last question in this bucket is will a change address the root issue. Or will the same problems follow you? Then we move to the second bucket of questions, which mostly relate to future potential. What dreams or goals have you pushed aside or neglected? Do the potential benefits of change outweigh the risks and trade-offs. Do you have a plan for how to successfully make the transition? And this one's my favorite. If money or fear of change were no obstacle. What would you do? Answering these questions. We'll help. You get very clear on your reasons for wanting to change and, and oftentimes how you answer the questions and the process of thinking through those answers. That will help you articulate exactly what seems to be missing or how you're feeling. It will help you figure out. How are you going to commit to do things differently? Right, because you're going to get very clear on your reasons for wanting change. Once you do decide that you want change. It's going to work best. If you set some goals for the change. You want to see and the metrics that you can use to evaluate that success. That's going to then help you focus your efforts. You're going to make these small goals. So you're going to set the goals for change. But you're going to make these small goals. So that they can compound over time. It's that? How do you eat an elephant? You eat it one bite at a time. If you set a goal too big. Then. It's going to be too big. Your motivation will wane. You won't feel like you're making any progress. So by making these small goals that will compound over time, you're going to keep the momentum going. And because they're small goals that you can see yourself achieving, that you can feel yourself achieving. That will act as a reinforcement to you. That you are heading in the right direction. I will say though, that it's important to be patient with yourself. Through. temporary setbacks and challenges. You will definitely encounter the him. I mean, there will be setbacks and challenges. Because. Change is hard. You have been living a certain way for decades of your life. So you cannot reasonably expect to make a decision. And that will immediately change everything for you, right? There has to be a period of transition. There will be points where your motivation. Is going to be high and other points where it's going to be low. Motivation typically starts very high in the beginning. You're very enthusiastic about whatever change you're making. Sure you might be a little concerned about it, but your excited about it. But that is going to wane over time. your motivation is going to bottom out a little bit. If your results aren't immediate. So. Be reasonable in the amount of time. That you give yourself to execute this change. Once the change is made and you start moving in that direction, just know it's going to take a little bit of time. And it's not going to be completely smooth sailing. There are going to be setbacks and challenges and roadblocks. So no going in. So that you you've got the tools to equip yourself. How are you going to. Manage. Those temporary setbacks and roadblocks and challenges. How are you going to react to them? How are you going to. Respond to them. Cause they're going to happen. And then it's important to be aware of two primary obstacles. That relate to change making, especially big change-making. And those are inertia. And fear. Let's start with inertia. Oftentimes it's easier to stay the course to not make the change at all, because I mean, we've talked about it. Change is hard. Um, there's a, there's a quote that I love. I think it's an anonymous quote. I don't know if it's been attributed to somebody, It's a quote that I. Saw on social media. Several years ago, And the quote is Just for the record, darling, not all positive change feels that way in the beginning. To me. It's. This important reminder to remember that transformation that change. While difficult can be an absolutely amazing catalyst for growth. But. There will be pain. There will be struggle. There will be speed bumps along the way. And even when the change is. Positive. It might not feel like that in the beginning. So how long are you willing to sit in the discomfort to tolerate the pain? It's kind of like the parable of the dog sitting on the nail and the dog sitting there. And he's whimpering a little bit, but he's very clearly sitting on a nail and, and, you know, he's, uh, he must be in discomfort because he is whining and whimpering a bit. And a man walks by and asked the owner. Why doesn't he move? And the owner says, because it doesn't hurt enough yet. I'm sharing this because there will be pain. There will be moments of discomfort. There might even be long periods of discomfort. So you need to know what you're willing to tolerate. And there. His pain. Whether it's emotional or physical, hopefully it's not physical, but there, there is pain. Whether you stay the course. Stay in exactly the same spot where you're at. Or you decide to make the change. So. What pain are you willing to tolerate? These other primary obstacle, other than inertia. Is fear. It is so normal to feel fear with big change. It's that. Double, you know, versus the devil. You don't know. I mean, in this case, the life you're familiar with, or the big change that. It introduces new and different challenges. There's no guarantee that the fulfillment you're looking for will result from the change you're planning to make. So. Just because you make. Uh, change. There's no guarantee of the outcome. So then you start wondering, well, is it worth making the change at all?'cause I already know what this discomfort is, or I already know what this unfulfillment feels like. What happens if I invest. Time, money resources. If I get. The courage up to make the change. And it doesn't feel differently. You might need a series of changes, right? You might make one decision to make a change and maybe that's not where you need to be. you may need two or three changes down the road to get to the point where you're feeling. The fulfillment you're looking for or where you're feeling more settled. I promise you though. Making decisions, making big changes that gets easier. The more you do it. And you're going to know yourself better along the way. Anyway, so. It's normal to feel fear with big changes. It really comes down to. Are you more fearful? Of making a change when you don't know the outcome. Or. Are you more fearful of getting. To the end of your life, or maybe not even that long, but getting. Some time down the road. Are you more fearful of getting to that point? And having regrets. Are you going to let fear hold you back from making the big change? That's something you need to answer for yourself. I'm going to leave you with this. Professionals have studied. I'm going to leave you with this. Professionals who have studied change and decision-making. Have found that people are happier. After making the decision to make a big life change. So that could be a change in careers or leaving a relationship or selling the family home and downsizing, moving to a different city. The the consternation, the struggling with making the decision. That endless list of pros and cons that you make. That's where the struggle is. So if you've been on the verge for a while, if you've been thinking about a big change in your life for awhile, Science. And the experts agree that your going to be better served to make the life change, to go ahead and make the big change. Because on the other side of that, More likely than not. Your going to be happier. So you might as well make the change. And again, Making the change may not solve all of your problems. You might have to make a series of changes. But putting it off that just delays the inevitable. Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And the bottom line here is. Your life won't change unless you change the way you're living it. So my question for you is, is it time for big change in your life? Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I'd love it if you would take a moment and leave me a five star review so that we can spread the word to other mid-life women. Then join my mailing list. The link is in the show notes. And if you're ready to make midlife your best life, you can also find out more about how to work with me in the show notes. I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session.