34. Saying "No" Won't Land You on the Naughty List (Part 2 of the Have Yourself a Merry Little Midlife Holiday Series)

In this second episode of the Have Yourself a Merry Little Holiday series, I'm talking about the importance of setting and holding boundaries to protect your time and energy during the holiday season. You'll discover why boundaries are the best gifts to give yourself this year.

Key takeaways:

- The importance of setting and holiday boundaries for self-care

- Learn how to say no without guilt, manage family expectations, limit commitments, and make self-care a priority

-Tips to stick to your holiday boundaries even with pushback
 

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welcome back to the school of mid-life podcast. Today is the second episode in the have yourself. Mary Little mid-life holiday. The series is about not just surviving the holidays this year, but actually enjoying them, like really enjoying them. Y, because we all know that while the holidays are a joyful time with friends and family and festivities, decorations, parties, traditions, all of the fun. But there's also a lot of stress and chaos too. Right? So it's easy to lose yourself and neglect your own personal health and wellness, amidst the hustle and bustle. But with some intention and planning, I think you can not only survive them, but truly enjoy that. Each week for the next five or six weeks, I'll be covering different topics about the holidays, managing stress. Avoiding burnout, dealing with anxiety, hosting events that are fun and enjoyable for everyone, including yourself and more. Each episode will have practical tips and suggestions that you can start implementing right away. And today's episode is all about boundaries and how setting healthy boundaries will lead to more enjoyment during the holidays. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Hey friends. Welcome back to the school of midlife podcast. Today's episode is the second in the have yourself a Merry little. Midlife holiday series. And today we're talking about boundaries. let's set the stage holidays obviously can be a stressful time. I mean, we're trying to balance it all. I mean, we, we already know this. This is not our first rodeo. Thanksgiving is next week. And chances are you, are you fall in one of two camps? One, your, either hosting everyone at your house. Or to your traveling. Either way you're probably responsible. For. Everything. Whether that's cooking dinner. Um, and, and I mean, let's be honest. It's not just cooking the dinner. If you're hosting it's everything that also goes with it. Cleaning the house, setting the table, planning the menu, going grocery, shopping, cooking, everything so that you can time it perfectly. So that everything ends up on the table at exactly the same time. So yeah, you might be hosting, but it's much, much, much more than just cooking dinner. And if you're not hosting, you're probably making all of the travel arrangements, whether that is. Booking plane tickets or traveling by car booking, hotel rooms. Making sure that everyone has everything packed that they need. I mean, we all know that the husband packs for himself and that's it. So everything else falls on us. And. That's just Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving, we are in the thick of it. So they're shopping and buying gifts and decorating the house and cookie baking and card writing. And concert going and church going and party going lots and lots of going. And that's that's of course, on top of all of the year-end responsibilities that we have at work. I mean, there are transactions to close and projects to wrap up. So. While there is plenty going on at work and there are, there's plenty going on outside of work. It can feel like a lot. Don't get me wrong. A lot of it is great. I mean, if you're like me, you probably even look forward to a lot of it. I love holiday attire. So any chance to dress up in sequins and velvet, anything that just feels festive. I am. Therefore it, in fact, if, if I think about it and I'm being honest about it, I might like the holiday attire more than actually going to the galas and the holiday parties. I mean don't, don't get me wrong. I, I love seeing my friends, but small talk with people. I don't know. That may ultimately be the death of me. but let's get back on track here. Boundaries obviously cannot alleviate the small dark. But they can help with the stress and burnout that comes from over-scheduling and overextending and not taking care of yourself during the holidays. Let me ask you a question. Can you imagine not needing the week between Christmas and new years to recover from the hecticness of the holidays. Can you imagine actually enjoying. All of the activities that your involved in over the holidays without feeling stressed out. The secret to doing either or both of those things. His boundaries. Setting boundaries can actually help you protect your time and energy. Which in turn. Can help you show up in. A way that. Allows you to enjoy the holidays. It sounds pretty good. Right? Let's let's dive in. So to level set and before we begin. What is a boundary? Boundaries are one of those, you know, you, you kind of, you know them when you see them sort of thing, but they come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, but the most common. And what we're going to talk about here are physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, mental separations. They are. These. Separations. And again, they can be physical or emotional that help us feel valued and safe and respected. At their core. They help us. Protect ourselves. Because they help us have healthy relationships with ourselves and others. And boundaries are particularly important for midlife women who are accustomed to doing everything. For everyone else first. And resigning themselves to whatever is left over. And not only resigning ourselves to that, but. We've we've conditioned ourselves to actually be okay with it. Y. Why don't boundaries matter this time of the year. I mean. They are always important. Always. But particularly at this time of the year, It might be an understatement to say that. Burnout is common during the holidays. In fact, a study by Harvard school of medicine. I found that 62% of those women asked, indicated that their stress level is either very elevated or somewhat elevated during the holiday season. So that's two out of three women that they ask said, stress is an issue during the holiday season. Similarly, according to the American psychological association. 38% of those women that they surveyed said that their depression was higher around the holidays. Likely linked. Two. An increase in stress. The APA also completed a study that reveals on average. More women. This, this is not going to surprise you, but more women report feeling stressed than men over the holidays. Of course they do. Right. I mean, I think probably on any given day, if you ask a woman and a man, what their stress level is because of the roles that women play in the lives of others and this caregiving. Making sure all of the things are going right and well, and we just, we've got this internal barometer that. Makes it so that the we're just these natural caregivers and we take care of everything going on around us. So it's no. Surprise then that of course. Our stress would be higher. Experts have even identified what they call festive burnout. it's the stress and burnout caused by the holidays. So. What's what's really interesting. Is the staggering percentage of women who say they experienced festive burnout before Christmas day. And. Maybe not terribly surprising because Christmas day is kind of almost the finish line. If we are looking at the holiday season and all of the things that we have to do. Between today. And the end of the holiday season. Sure new year's Eve new year's day is technically the end of the holiday season. But most of the things that we have to do, we have to. Find time to get them done in the next six weeks. So that festive burnout that people talk about feeling. It's. His highest before Christmas day. So buckle up because the next six weeks are going to be key. Let's talk about the biggest causes of that stress. And these are in no particular order. But most of the time that festive stress is related to managing expectations of others. So causes of that stress can be. Family drama. And we can have family drama in all shapes and sizes. Right? It could be parents, it could be siblings. It could be aunts, uncles, grandparents. And again, there there's plenty of drama. Uh, Take your pick. We've all got it. In our families. It comes in all different shapes and sizes. Um, other causes of stress during the holidays. Related to family drama. Relationships with in-laws or expectations that maybe your in-laws have versus. The expectations that your parents have. it's impossible to be two places at once. It kind of reminds me of that. Uh, Four Christmases movie with Reese Witherspoon, and I think it was Vince spawn. God, I love me some Vince Vaughn. Anyway, um, where both of their parents are divorced and they go to four different Christmases. So can be plenty of drama related to in-laws. Um, broken relationships tend to be a cause of stress during the holidays as well. Whether that is with a strain parental relationship. Uh, whether it relates to divorce, but any sort of broken relationships. Loss is another big one. It, you know, figuring out like who's not there, or if you've lost a loved one during the year. Marking those first holidays without them also a big. Stressor. So is the money being spent? A lot of us spend a lot of money during the holidays. And for some people they overspend. So money. Becomes. A large stressor. Then there are things like traveling and trying to get everyone where they need to be. At the right time to travel distances. There could be lost luggage or flight delays, um, issues with hotels. All stress inducing. And none of this is to even mention. What's going on at work. I work usually at the end of the year is busy and stressful anyway, because we've got all of these year N activities. And those are just. In addition to. All of the other. Causes of stress that can be unique to the holiday season. Suffice it to say, there are plenty of reasons. That you might be experiencing stress and burnout over the holidays. Um, and because. We feel that festive burnout even more so. Before Christmas day. If you're feeling the burnout, if you're feeling the stress, it's more likely that you're going to feel it. Over the next six weeks before the end of the year. there are plenty of reasons that you might experience stress and burnout over the holidays. Which is why it is so important to protect your mental health and wellbeing. For the next five or six weeks. And that's where boundaries come in. But here's the problem for most of us, we were never taught how to set healthy boundaries. Actually on the contrary, we were taught to be a good girl. Which meant smiling for photos, even if we didn't feel like it. Any, anyone else think it was a weird. That you had to go and sit on Santa's lap and you know, the, your parents would always smile big. We were paying a lot for these photos. And literally the question that Santa asked was, have you been a good girl this year? So we are accustomed to playing. Nice. We are familiar. staying quiet when we're uncomfortable. That is familiar to us because we were taught that it's rude or insensitive. If someone around us was feeling comfortable. But. That came at what cost. Compromising our own wellbeing. So that everyone else around us is good, that they're comfortable. We were focused on, or at least taught to focus on. The importance of others' feelings over our own. And we've been doing this a very long time. So we just, we were never taught how to set healthy boundaries. Which means fast forward to adulthood. Honestly, I mean, because we like. Like, maybe isn't the right word, but because that good girl. Role that we have played That's familiar. Then we've taught our friends and our family members and our coworkers that it's okay to treat us like that. It's it's it's okay with us. Because we haven't set or maintained healthy boundaries in our life. Which means we've, we've actually let people take advantage of us and we haven't spoken up to defend ourselves and we've kept quiet when we feel uncomfortable. Without getting too much into the additional work responsibilities and the added stress. The work just has at the end of the year. Let's let's talk about. What. Stress. Relating to the holidays. What that can look like if we don't set. Healthy boundaries. Let's say we are hosting. We cook everyone's favorite to dishes, whether we like to eat them or not. We bake all sorts of cookies because one kid has one favorite cookie. Another kid has another favorite cookie and someone else has a third favorite cookie. We attend all the parties because how are we supposed to choose one friend over another? I mean, we don't, we don't want to hurt any hostesses feelings and we certainly don't want to run into somebody at one party. When. We didn't go to the other person's party. So we just. Try to go to them. All we say yes to all the invitations. We pick out the perfect tree. We get a decorated, just so we order the holiday cards, which means finding a picture or two that everyone on the card will approve of. And if you've got. Teenagers, you know, that that might be harder than, than others. Um, And then you have to address the envelopes and buy the stamps and get them in the mail. And speaking of mail. There's also the standing in line at the post office. To mail the best, most thoughtful gifts that you have bought for the out of state people on your list. And not only have you bought them. Well, one you've created the list. Then you've gone out and bought them and then you have wrapped them beautifully. Only to have to stand in line at the post office to get them mailed. Eight. I could go on, you know, I could, but. It's already a long list. Was I creating any stress or anxiety? Were you feeling any of that? Just by listening to me, check off some of the things on the list. now that we understand why we need boundaries always, but especially during the holidays. Let's talk about the different types of boundaries to set. One of them is work boundaries. We need to be very clear about setting limits about when we'll be in the office and one will be out of the office. Most of us has scheduled time off a long time ago, whether that is to accommodate travel schedules or to accommodate vacation schedules or to make sure that. Our work is being. Managed and handled while we are gone. We ha we have to make sure that there are enough. Other employees in the office. So likely we scheduled that time off a long time ago. Which means we need to honor work boundaries or, or create work boundaries and then set them by the concept of be here now. What I mean by that is. When you're in the office. Be in the office. When you're out of the office. Be out of the office. Be here now, wherever you are. Be there. Be here now, which means that we can't allow for. Or, or even tolerate work creep. So I'm just going to step out and take this call real quickly when you're with your family or, uh, I know that we are. On vacation. I just have to show up for a couple of these zoom meetings. It's not going to be a big deal. I'll meet you. Um, at dinner or whatever. Don't do that. The end of the year is coming. If you are going to be out of the office, be out of the office. But because the end of the year is coming, you need to get really honest about what you can actually get done. There are only so many hours left in the year. There are only so many hours when you are going to be in the office. So what can you actually get done? And anything you can't get done. Delegate the rest of it. You also need to be selective in attending what I Like I, I think of as non mandatory holiday work events. You know, the ones I'm talking about. The ones with clients that you don't really want to go to, but you on you kind of feel obligated that you need to, or. there's, there is a meeting that. You don't actually have to show up for, but you feel the obligation to put in the face time. If you don't have to be there, if it's a non mandatory holiday event. Don't go. Just let whoever supposed to handle the meeting, handle the meeting. For sure attend the mandatory meetings, but if, if you don't have to be there. This is the perfect time to tap out to not to let the non mandatory things go on without you. I think what you'll find is they will, the, the people in the room will find out how to do the damn thing. Even without you there. And it's not like you're working yourself out of a job or that they're going to figure out that they don't need you. You are still filling a vital role, but if you, if it's not mandatory for you to. Go and do the thing at work. Let someone else do it. Another type of boundary to set during the holiday. We'll we'll lump them in as time boundaries. These could include blocking out time for yourself during the holidays. Or setting limits on what you're doing for others or commitments that you add to your calendar or parties that you go to. That could also look a lot like limiting. The amount of volunteering you're doing during the holidays. Or just like work saying no to non-essential activities. Pre pandemic. I was thinking back and it was not uncommon for me to have. Three or four events every night between the Monday after Thanksgiving and the last day I was working before Christmas. So sometimes that was Christmas Eve. Sometimes it was a couple of days before Christmas, but. Um, three to four events each night for three weeks solid. Those could be client parties. They could be client open houses. There, um, there's a beautiful Christmas program at, uh, one of the churches here called Christmas at the cathedral, which I love to attend. It just puts me in the mood. I love Nutcracker performances. Holiday parties, literally no shortage of things to do, which meant that I was doing. Three to four events each night, which of course. if you're going to three to four events each night, You will not be surprised to learn that. I was very tired during the holidays. So now what do I do? I limit myself to two activities. Per week. And I know that that doesn't sound like much at all. I mean, if you go to a party on a Friday and you go to a party on a Saturday, that's your two activities. Um, or if I go to a client event during the week and a party on the weekend, that's my two activities. So. You can pick four or five activities a week if you want. Bye. Deciding that I was only going to do two activities per week. It forced me to get really selective, get really, really honest with myself. With. Is this an invite? Is it a hell? Yes. Or is it more like a no. Because if it's not a hell, yes. It should be a no. And by setting those limits. On yourself. What you find is that you are only RSVP ING. To the things that you truly want to do, not the things that you feel like you should do. And because for me, what I found was. When I was limiting the amount of time I was spending away from the house or if I was out. At a party or at an open house or something by limiting that time away. I was able better to focus on my own physical and mental health during the holidays. I was getting enough sleep and I'm eating nutritious food and sticking with my exercise routine. So I just feel better during the holidays. Another type of boundary to set during the holidays. I'm going to call it an emotional boundary and most of these. Relate to family members. Why set boundaries related to family members? This might seem obvious, but. You have to manage some expectations with your family so that you don't find yourself over extended. Um, boundaries are also helpful with families. So that you are able to say no to traditions. Or hosting if they cause you more stress than joy. I will say though, that setting boundaries with family members is interesting. Because when you start. Setting and keeping healthy boundaries. You will get pushback from your family members. They're going to wonder what's wrong with you. You're not acting like yourself. They are accustomed to you showing up in a certain way. Because you have, for most of us, we have our whole lives. Which means. That by creating these boundaries, then all of a sudden we're changing the role in the relationship. We are changing the balance of power and the rules of engagement. And not that it's a war or anything like that, but. Then, what we're doing is, is changing the relationship. And because it feels foreign to them, they're going to say things like your different or you've changed or. Why can't you just do this for me? And you could, you, you always have. But because we're doing things differently this year for the holidays, we're protecting our emotional wellbeing. We're going to push back on those. So when the family member says, why can't you just do this for me? You just have to explain to them. That you. Are creating and holding some healthy boundaries this year and you are protecting yourself and you would really. Appreciate it. If they would honor those boundaries that you have set, it is nothing to do with them. It is a hundred percent related to your own personal health and wellbeing for the holidays. Even, so not everyone is going to be happy about you setting healthy boundaries for the holidays. In fact, the people who will be most unhappy about it. Are those who have benefited from you not having clear and healthy boundaries in the past. Um, A lot of these are going to be family members and they are going to be the most unhappy. They have benefited from years and years and decades of your past people, pleasing ways of your not having clear boundaries in the past. So they're the ones. That feel like they like the old you better The one who took care of them or everyone else first and put herself last. And that is exactly why. Boundaries are so important. the next category would be. We'll call it boundaries with self, and those are related to emotional boundaries. But by setting a boundary with yourself when I'm talking about there is. Letting go of perfectionism. The wrapping paper on the gifts does not have to line up perfectly. You don't need to do all of the things you really, if you're creating a boundary with yourself, you're only gonna do what you can reasonably. manage. And another way that you can set a boundary with yourself is you can be okay with the things that don't get done. Or don't get done as perfectly as you had imagined them. In fact, I'm going to be talking about this on a future episode. Um, it will be. All of the ways to embrace a C plus holiday. So in the next, I don't know if it's next week or the following week, but that's coming soon. You'll you have that to look forward to. When it comes to boundaries. And you're probably not gonna want to hear this, but the easiest way to set healthy boundaries during the holidays. Is to learn how to say no. I'm not saying that you have to say no to everything. Because if you're anything like me, Fear of missing out FOMO will be an issue. But when you get very clear on what you really want to do, Then it's much easier to say no to everything else when you know what you really want to do. Then you don't feel like your doing things because. Somebody else wants you to, or you feel like you should. Remember that a yes, to one thing is necessarily a no to someone or something else. Because you can't be two places at once. You can't be doing two things at once. I know people talk about multitasking and that's fine, but you literally cannot be at a dance recital for your neighbor's daughter. And. A holiday party for your client. You can't be there right there. It's two different places at one time. You can't do it. So when you say yes to one thing, just remember that you are necessarily saying no to something else. when you say yes to a party invitation, It is no two an evening at home for you to relax or go to bed early. It also might be that yes, to a party invitation might also be a no to your early morning workout. Because you won't. I have gotten enough sleep the night before. There's the possibility that you might have, you might wake up with a headache from one too many glasses of wine or one too many cocktails. So that yes, to that party invitation might actually be several knows, two other things. If you say yes to cooking Thanksgiving dinner and hosting everyone at your house, then you're saying no to sleeping in on Thanksgiving day. If you say yes to. Chairing the adoptive family volunteer effort at work. Then it's a no to spending weekend time in December with your family or friends, because you have to spend the weekend. Shopping and wrapping the gifts and then delivering them. And if you're not doing it yourself, then you're organizing people. So just. Remember that whenever, whatever you say yes to it saying no to something else. I think it's also important to remind ourselves that no. Is a complete sentence. As people pleasers as women who do things for everyone else all the time that, you know, we've been conditioned to be a good girl. We have a tendency to over explain or justify why we're giving a no. But we don't actually owe that to anybody. We can say no and leave it at that. Does your know could mean that you have other plans? Your know could mean that you want to stay home and do nothing, but no one needs to know that. Only you do. So your reasons for saying no. You can keep those to yourself. It is what it is. You can say no, thank you. And move on. Thank you for the invitation. I am unable to attend. I'm going to wrap up with some. Tips for maintaining boundaries over the holidays. Number one. Keep a schedule and stick to it. They could be limiting yourself to a certain number of events. Like we talked about. It could be leaving the office by a certain time. It could be whenever you leave on vacation for the holidays for the end of the year, then you're going to leave work at work. Whatever it is. Make a schedule, stick to it. Number two build in daily self care practices. It's so important. To actually schedule some me-time during the holidays. When you look at your schedule, what is actually on your schedule to take care of yourself? Number three. Have a response ready when you were asked to take on more? And remember this could come up at work. We've already talked about, you've said those work boundaries for a reason. but outside of work, remember that? No is a complete sentence. So if. You were asked to contribute additional volunteer hours over and above what you have already committed to. Have that response ready in your back pocket? When you're asked to take on more. Uh, number four. Be okay with some people being unhappy. And this is mostly gonna apply to family members, because again, you used to show up in. A certain way for them. And. Candidly. They're not used to you telling them? No, I, I promise you'll get through it and so will they they'll figure it out. But they might be unhappy for a little bit. Hopefully it won't extend too long. Will it be worth? It will all of this setting the boundaries during holidays and missing out on some things will, will it be worth it? I don't know. I think it will. I can tell you that. From personal experience. By setting and holding healthy boundaries. You can expect to experience more energy and stamina during the holidays. You can expect reduced stress and anxiety, which are two very good things. you, you can expect increased joy and just the feeling of being present in the moment, whatever you're doing, whatever you are. It will help you avoid burnout and illness. It will help you strengthen relationships because when you take care of yourself, You can better take care of others. Which I think these all sound pretty good. Don't they. Maybe think of healthy boundaries as the gift you give yourself this year Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the school of mid-life podcast. It means so much to have you here. My mission is to give all women the tools, mindset, shifts, and permission to make midlife their very best life. And I absolutely could not do it without you. Would you help me spread the word about the podcast by going to ratethispodcast.com/schoolofmidlife and leave us a rating. If you can spare a minute, I'd be honored. If you'd leave us a review too. That's ratethispodcast.com/schoolofmidlife. Or you can click the link in the show notes. Thanks so much for being here. I'll see you back here next week when the school of midlife is back in session