11. What Do You Want? How to Go from Profoundly Unfulfilled to Living Your Best Life

Although everyone else tells midlife women that it's most important to figure out our WHY and PURPOSE in life, I think that's wrong. It's good enough as far as it goes, but it leaves out a critically important piece. That is: what do you want?

For as long as we can remember, midlife women have been conditioned to want what we want. We've chased achievements and accolades, hoping that they would make us feel the life fulfillment and satisfaction we expected once we accomplished all the things. Instead, we've found ourselves successful by every societal measure, but stressed out, overworked and burned out.

It's time to figure out what it is we actually want in life -- not what society has told us we should want, or what we've been conditioned to want -- and get busy making that our new reality. It's time we make midlife our best life.

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what it is you actually want to do you're going to find it's so much easier to bring that want to life. And then once you do, the beautiful thing is that feeling of profound unfulfillment that goes away. And it goes away because you're actually doing something that is meaningful and important to you. It comes directly from you. It's it's what you want. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Well, Hey there. And welcome back to this episode of the school of mid-life podcast. Today we are discussing the number one issue facing midlife women. The number one struggle. And no, it's not. Am I having a midlife crisis. Let me set the stage a little bit. So most of us are striding in to midlife and we have been wildly successful in everything that we. We're always. Supposed to do right. And we get to midlife. And we start thinking about our legacy. We, we start wondering if this is all there is. And part of that is because most of what we are known for in our life, the roles that we have played in our life, those are changing. And so much of our identity has been tied to those roles for much of our life. Mom wife. Daughter, whatever we were in our career, in my case, attorney or commercial real estate broker. And not only are we. Starting to struggle with or not struggle, but we're starting to grapple with how much time do I have left to accomplish the things that I actually want to do in life. But those roles are changing. Some of us have kids that are graduating from high school or college and they are moving out of the house. Some of us are staring down a long marriage and wondering is this who I want to be married to for the foreseeable future? Some of us are looking at our careers and we have invested so much time in going to school and getting the training and working ourselves up through the corporate ladder that we don't feel like we want to make a change because we've already got so much invested. But the struggle here: Most of us thought we would get to midlife and feel a little differently. What I mean by that is most midlife women feel like they've got a pretty good life. I mean, most of them have everything they ever thought they ever wanted. They've got the career, they've got the marriage, the kids, the house, maybe even a vacation home, fancy cars. By all outward appearances, they are crushing it at the success game. Almost like they followed the adulting playbook to a T right. And that's why the women, I coach say things like, it's not that I'm unhappy; it's just that I'm profoundly unfulfilled. Think about that. Profoundly unfulfilled. Another word for that would be extremely unfulfilled. And it could look like a bunch of different things. It could look like this idea that we keep chasing the feeling that we thought we'd have in midlife. You know, if, if we did all the things that we were supposed to do and we built the life that we thought we were supposed to build, that we would just feel differently in midlife. a lot of the time, that means adding more to our to-do lists because it's almost like we're chasing this high. But we're doing that by looking for another promotion or seeking higher credentials, or maybe adding more letters to after our name and our signature block, I mean, for me, I've got a bachelor of arts degree. I've got a Juris doctorate degree, my law degree. And then when I changed careers, I became a certified leasing specialist, I also hold the preeminent designation for a commercial real estate brokerage, which is the certified commercial investment member CCIM. looking back, I think I told myself that I needed to prove to my clients that I understood the number side of real estate that I understood investing, which is why I spent the time and the money, and really doubled down to get that CCIM designation. But I think if I'm really honest with myself, It's probably just another designation that I used to prove to myself that I was good enough. That I knew what I was talking about. I mean, I don't even think that my clients really care that much. But it's this idea that we're chasing the next thing always chasing the next thing. when we do that, We end up overworked stressed out and burned out. Because by and large, we're not even really sure what it is we're working for. We're working for the sake of working wearing busy-ness as a badge of honor. And. We along the lines, convince ourselves that if we're productive Then that will lead to the fulfillment we're seeking. That will finally feel like we expected to feel after we earn the next promotion or lose the last 15 pounds or. Focus on our marriage after the kids leave or whatever it is. And we play this game with ourselves that. We have it so much better than so many others that somehow our stress or our unfulfillment isn't as important. So we discount it or we write it off because our friends are dealing with a messy divorce or the death of a parent or a cancer diagnosis. So we somehow feel guilty that we shouldn't really want for more because we have, so we've got it so much better than so many other people do. And because of that, then we also feel this, this shame. Kind of along the lines of what's wrong with me? Why can't, why can't I just be happy with everything I have. And because we're used to doubling down and working things out on our own then there's this, this kind of, uh, Alternate play list in our mind, going on the one hand, why can't I be happy with everything I have? And on the other hand, why can't I just figure this out? I mean, I run successful companies. I keep everything going at home. I'm smart. I'm a hard worker. I'm a big deal. What is wrong with me? Why can't I. Get to that fulfillment that life satisfaction that I so desperately want why can't I just figure out how to have that. So let's look at it this way. There is a book by Simon Sinek called Start With Why? everything you do should be tied to your why? Meaning why do you do what you do? why are you doing the things that you're doing? What is your motivation? Would your, why would be your reason for doing what you do? And in the book. Simon Sinek. Graphically depicts. Your Y. Go with me here. Cause I know, obviously we're not on video, but imagine three concentric circles. And the outer most concentric circle is the what circle. So, what do you do? And then the middle circle is the, how. How do you do it? And then that inner circle, that target that bullseye is the Why. Why do you do what you do? So again, outer circle is the, what. Middle circle is the how. Inner circle is the why? If we take this. Say from my perspective of coaching midlife women, my what on the outside would be. I do high-performance coaching for midlife women. That's my, what? Middle circle is how so? How do I coach midlife women? Well, coaching is delivered one-on-one or through group coaching, or there are very tangible tools, Like the best life daily planner and habit tracker. And in the planner are several. Different distinct. Tactical systems that you can use. Um, another, how I deliver the coaching are through luxury retreats. Like the best life reset retreat. Um, speaking of that, This year's retreat in October in sun valley, Idaho goes on sale next week at the time of the recording of this episode. There are only going to be just like last year only limited spots available. So. I will include a link in the show notes to get on the wait list so that you're the first to know about the details when it does go on sale next week. And in the meantime, if you're curious It was a great retreat last year. There's going to be some more coaching this year, given some of the feedback, but. you can go take a peak at last years. Incredible experience on my website. Again, I'll drop a. Uh, link to that in the show notes. One of the women who went last year. Said that the retreat was a life-changing and as good as it was last year, it's, it's going to be even better this year. So. Back to coaching and my circles. What is the high-performance coaching for midlife women? The, how are the practical tools that I use to coach the women? And the why that middle piece is: I want all women to make midlife their best life. And I know we've talked about this before, that that sounds a little pithy and a little cheesy, but, but it's really true. My why is to make an impact so that mid-life women stop settling for just a good life. I mean, you already have one of those, If you're like most mid-life woman, you're happy, but not fulfilled in the way you expect it to be. So you're still searching for more. And. Here's a tip, my friend. What you're searching for is not on another checklist. You can't earn another achievement to feel The way that you think you want to feel. And I, another reason I'm doing this and why I want to do this is we get one shot at this life. And none of us know how much time we have. So we need to stop waiting for some day or until the time is right. And we need to start making that midlife our best life right now. So again, How or what high-performance coaching. How practical tools, why. Helping make midlife their best life. So you can see how that starting with why. Why that's important. Because then, you know, you understand your motivation. You understand your reason for doing what you're doing. But I also. I think that it doesn't generally take a lot of work. To figure out. To understand. What your, why is. usually. You know, what your, why is you, you understand why you were doing what you were doing? in some ways it's really interchangeable with. Your purpose. and for most midlife women, There, why or their purpose is their family and specifically their kids. Um, They can be women who work or don't work. But their focus really is on making sure their kids have this incredible life. So that could be, you know, planning, elaborate European vacations for the summer. Incidentally aren't summer's different now than they used to be for kids. I, I always Marvel at what my friends are doing for their kids, as far as the travel experiences that they are introducing them to, or just the really cool life experiences. Much different than for me, you know, I was working at Baskin Robbins in the summer, the Baskin-Robbins at the mall. So the cool store, but, but still, I mean, Summer vacations for kids now are, are much different. And a lot of that can be attributed to the incredible women. That are. Really working to make. Incredible experiences for their kids. Your why can also be your legacy, what do you want to be known for? And generally that is tied to the impact you want to have. So some people like to look at it as figuring out their purpose, which is this. Uh, motivating aim or this God call or this curiosity that you can't shake. why are you getting up in the morning? Whatever you want to call it. But it feels to me like your why and your purpose. Are essentially the same thing. And, and there's this notion that once we figure out our why and our purpose. That will somehow feel. Differently. Especially if, when we are living fully aligned with our why and our purpose. Because then we know why we're doing what we're doing. We know why it's important to us. We know what we want to achieve. But here's where I think this focus on your, why. And, or your purpose. Doesn't go far enough, may it like it? It's just. It's wrong. Maybe not wrong, but here's what I think is missing. And to me, it's the most critical piece of the puzzle. It's the number one struggle of midlife women. And that is. We don't know what we want. I mean when somebody says to us, what do you want? That sounds easy enough. Doesn't it? But it's not for a couple of reasons. Number one society tells us what we want. It tells us how to define success. And sometimes that can be job titles. And corner offices and how much our paycheck is. Um, did we raise up kids that graduated with honors? Those types of things. Society tells us. Who is successful and who is not. It's also. Hard to figure out what we want because oftentimes our parents have taught us what we want. So, what that means is we're conditioned to want certain things from a very early age. And we not only see that from our parents, but we see ads in media for material, things that we should want. We have teachers that are influencing us. Um, for instance, maybe they mentioned at one point that we were naturally gifted in some way. So that put us on this path of. Fulfilling that gift living into it. Honing it. And not, not because it's actually what we want, but we, we like the feeling that we're good at something. So. We were put on that path at one point by a parent or society or a teacher. And then when we get to midlife, It's so hard to know if the things that we say we actually want. Or what we, what we really want, because we've had all of this. Uh, conditioning and societal influence. And because it's difficult to separate the conditioning from the societal influence. It's hard to know if, what we say we want. Is actually what we want. When I talk about making midlife your best life, so much of that is grounded in. Figuring out, what do you want? What do you want from the important relationships in your life? How do you want to spend your days? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to surround yourself with? We all have different wants. It can be a promotion at work. Or the big title, it could be finish your degree, go back to school. In case you don't know my story. I was a commercial real estate attorney for the first 20 years of my career. And when I was on the precipice of joining the partnership of a large regional firm. I was asked one question in my partnership admission meeting that really changed everything for me. They asked me. How will your job change? If you're lucky enough to be invited to join the partnership? And I thought about it for a minute. And I responded with this kind of long answer that I won't go into it. Right now, but suffice it to say. I told them that I didn't really think my job was going to change all that much. My title instead of being of counsel, I would be partner. So that would be a change. And the way I was compensated. Basically, I get paid more. But really everything else would mostly stay the same. I mean, other than there would be more meetings and more politics involved because as an owner of the firm is a partner in the firm, you know, you've got to go to more administrative meetings and deal with more corporate politics. But. Once they asked me that question and. And I thought about it for the next couple of weeks. What I figured out was. I really only wanted to become partner because that was the next logical step. I, I only wanted to become partner because that's what I'd always been told. I should want. And like the good girl I always was, you know, the rule follower, the one that colored within the lines I stuck with it. But what's really interesting is there was a lot going on that year in my life. It was the first trip that I traveled to Europe. We spent three fantastic weeks in Italy and I loved every single minute of it. I'd I'd pretty much been romanticizing. A term to Europe, my whole life. And then when I went for the first time, that year it was everything and more that I envisioned. I just, I loved everything about it. That was also the year that we bought our condo in sun valley. If you, if you don't know where sun valley is, uh, sun valley, Idaho is a resort just over two and a half hours Northeast of Boise. And it's, it's where a lot of the celebrities go and ski in the winter time and fly fish and golf. And hike in the summertime because. They can get away and people don't bother them. Um, but because it, there are so many celebrities that do own homes there and vacation there. It's got this really interesting mix of. Just. Great food. Great shopping. But, but fun and relaxed as well. It's I love it. And that year we bought our condo and. We really had no intention of using it full time. In fact, we, we put together a plan, a rental plan to earn income. I mean, it was. We needed some help paying the mortgage. To me, it felt more like a half-hearted plan though, because I wanted to be able to keep my toothbrush there. And some family photos, Mike was a little bit more pragmatic about it because. Because we couldn't use it every weekend. We needed to make some money on it so that we could help pay the mortgage. But I still love the fact that. Something that we had really wanted for a long time. Came to fruition. We we bought our condo. That was also the year that we finished a pretty extensive backyard remodel at our house at our old house. Our, the backyard at our old house was incredible. It was kind of the type of backyard that you would see in a magazine. Um, we had this incredible deck, fully terraced backyards planted with just beautiful perennials and trees and. we had an acre of land just on the outskirts of downtown. It felt a little bigger than an acre because our house was. Um, Up on a hill, not a significant hill, but up on a hill. And then you went down. Probably. 15 large steps. And there were 1, 2, 3 different terraces along the way with lilies and garden boxes and Shasta daisies. Just beautiful flowers and perennials. And then at the bottom of the hill, Um, we shared a flat pasture area with our neighbors. That was all fenced in and that's, that's why the, the. Why it felt more than an acre because we had this large pasture area in the back. Where we would host flag football parties and make your own bloody Mary's on Thanksgiving day and we would throw these incredible summer parties with a food truck and a band and string, those bistro lights and the trees. And. And then we have this six, I don't know, 16, 20 foot canal that bisected the property. Between the bottom of the hill and the pastor area was this. Canal that ran water seasonally, say April through October. Through our backyard. And in the summer parties, we would float floating candles in the canal and God, it was just, it was a great backyard. And that was the year. So, um, I was up for partnership. We bought our condo. We finished our backyard remodel. It was also the year that my dad retired and moved from Arizona. He moved in with us for about five months while his house was being built in Boise. And Mike also changed jobs that year. So he left a company that he had been at a cost, I think 11 years, maybe. He left that company changed jobs. Went to work somewhere else. So there was a lot going on that year. And something. Clicked for me. While I was living through all of these experiences that year. And. What I realized was that instead of just going through all of the motions and staying at the law firm to become partner because it was just the next thing. That I was supposed to do, you know, I'm just taking the next step, but the job. That I needed to be more intentional. Hard words are hard today. More intentional about creating the life I wanted to live. And what I mean by that is that trip to Europe. I realized that. There will come a time where what I really want to do is not work 40 to 60 hours a week in a law firm. But to be able to spend part of the year living in say the south of France. I loved the idea of. Getting up in the morning doing some sort of work. If I'm honest, it's probably writing a book. And. Mid day, going down to the market. Picking out some fresh fish or meat for dinner. Um, heading over to the fruit and vegetable market and picking out fresh vegetables for dinner. Hitting the bakery grabbing a lovely baguette. Some beautiful flowers from the florist and putting them all in. I've got this idea of this red bicycle with a basket on the front and so when you see me, you know, paddling my. Bicycle in the afternoon, it's got the flowers hanging out of the basket and then the baguette, and then just some beautiful brown basic market bags filled with incredible things to make for dinner. I know that that sounds very hollywood ish. But when I think about what I want my life to look like. That's what it looks like. It doesn't look like working in a job where I've got the title of partner. But I'm, I'm chained to my office, 40 to 60 hours a week. I want a life. That I can actually live. So when I talk about figuring out what it is you want. It's important. To really step back and visualize. What do you actually want? It could be that you want to earn that next big promotion. You want your name on the door? You want to start a company or. be promoted up through corporate. You might want the partnership. That's cool. If that's what you actually want, then that's what you should go for. Maybe you want a vacation home in the mountains or at the beach? Maybe you want a vacation home? At, in both the mountains and the beach. Maybe you want a new car or a new airplane, whatever it is that you want. Just be sure that the reason that you want it is because it's what you actually want. And not because society tells you, you should want it or you've been conditioned to want it, or do you think it's going to look good to your parents? But it's something that deep down is going to fill that hole inside of you that just doesn't feel fulfilled with the life that you've been living. It's interesting i, um, I always used to think I wanted to take flying lessons and get my pilot's license. My grandfather was a pilot. And I loved the idea of getting my pilot's license. But then once I, I really started looking at this. What do I want and why do I want it? While getting my pilot's license sounded really good and it sounded respectable. I figured out what I really want is access to a private jet. I want to be able to travel with my friends and my family and my dog. But I'm also a nervous flyer or. And I'm much better than I used to be. But. What I figured out was I don't want to trust a weekend warrior like myself to be flying the plane. I mean, it's one thing to DIY, a tile job in the bathroom over the weekend but it's a whole other thing to put in enough hours and a cockpit to not only get your pilot's license, but also feel calm enough. If something goes wrong. That your going to be able to land the plane. And what I figured out was while it sounded really good as something to want, which is getting your pilot's license. That, that sounds like a respectable thing to want. It's not what I actually wanted. I want us to just sit back in the back. And read a book and maybe drink a glass of champagne or a glass of rose, a. And let somebody else fly the plane. Makes sense. I would say the most important step is figuring out what you want. If you can imagine it. It can be as big as you want it to be. The only caveat is it needs to be what you actually want. Not what you think you should want. Not what you've been conditioned a watt. because so many women struggle with figuring out what they actually want. I made you something it's called the, what do you want guide? It's the same process that I use with my coaching clients, obviously on a super abbreviated version. You can download a copy of the, what do you want guide? there's a link in the show notes. And I will send you the PDF directly to your inbox. But the, what do you want guide? Essentially walks you through the three steps that I use with my coaching clients. Again. I, this, this takes several days. When I work with my coaching clients to do it. So. There are three steps. It's a very abbreviated version. I will say. There is no award for finishing quickly or finishing first. So you high-achievers. You don't need to worry about. Doing it quickly. It's not a hard exercise, but if it's done correctly, It's also not easy. It's going, it's made to, to get you thinking. It's made to help you start envisioning what that best life for you looks like. And what do you want? So step one. what don't you want? It's a look back on what is going on in your life that you no longer want. Because I find that it's generally easier to pinpoint the things that you don't want versus the things that you do want, for instance, for me, what I don't want, could look like I don't want to work 40 to 60 hours for the rest of my life. We talked about the, how I was working towards partnership. How that meant that I was going to continue to have to put in those hours. Maybe you don't want to settle for a sparkless marriage. Maybe you don't want to live in a place where you have to spend your weekends doing yard work. I don't know what it is for you, but you're going to figure out what don't you want in your life. And by figuring out what you don't want. Then you can start to back into what is it you actually do want. Which leads us to step number two. What. What could you be? What could your life look like? And this requires some envisioning and some dreaming. I will say in my experience, the most high-performing women have been that way, their whole lives it's like they were put on this path to doing things. Early on. They, you know, they were the ones winning the early accolades, the gold stars, the straight A's in school. And because they were so focused on doing things they didn't spend a lot of time dreaming about things or dreaming about what things could look like. So through a series of exercises and questions the step number two is going to make you take a step back. And figure out if you could be living your best life, what does that actually look like to you? What does that mean to you? And then finally, step three. What is next for you? How can you make. That best life that you envisioned a reality. So by taking what, you know, you don't want that step number one And then you add that to knowing what your best life looks like. That's step number two. And step number three. How can you make that a reality? What's the one thing you could start doing now that would have the biggest impact in bringing number two to life for you. Here are a couple of examples just to get you thinking along these lines. Maybe. The one thing that you could do that would have this trickle down effect of creating the life that you want is becoming a New York times bestselling author That's actually number one on my list. So, because I want to do that there were a couple of ways that I could create a life for myself to make sure that I actually achieve that or work towards achieving that. I could make sure that I am writing 15 minutes a day. Or set aside two hours a week to write whichever works best for your schedule. Maybe you want to learn a new language, say you want to learn Italian. So practically, what you could do is sign up for language classes two days a week, or block out time on your calendar and spend 20 minutes a day on a language app like Duolingo or Babel or something else. Maybe you want to hike the Camino de Santiago trail. So in order to make that happen, you need to schedule the time off of work. You need some vacation time. You've got to book your travel plans and then also put together a training plan because while you could just go walk the trail. You're going to have a much better experience if you actually put some time in, on your feet ahead of time and do some training so that you're not so wiped out by the time that you get there that your body is conditioned to walk the trail. I think you can see that everyone's wants should be different. And that's the hard part, because for so long, we've been told what it is we should want. But through the three step, what do you want? Guide process if you can take a step aside. And instead of doing what it is you think you should do? And figure out, what it is you actually want to do you're going to find it's so much easier to bring that want to life. And then once you do, the beautiful thing is that feeling of profound unfulfillment that goes away. And it goes away because you're actually doing something that is meaningful and important to you. It comes directly from you. It's it's what you want. So I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes and this one comes from Alison Wonderland. Would you tell me, please? Which way I ought to go from here? Asked Alice. That depends a good deal on where you want to get to said the Cheshire cat. If you're like most high-achieving women you've spent your whole life wanting what you thought you should want. It's time to figure out what it is you actually want. And get busy living it. Thanks so much for being here today. Don't forget all the downloads and the links in the show notes. I will see you back here next week in the school of midlife is in session until then make it a great one. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I'd love it if you would take a moment and leave me a five star review so that we can spread the word to other mid-life women. Then join my mailing list. The link is in the show notes. And if you're ready to make midlife your best life, you can also find out more about how to work with me in the show notes. I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session.